WAH WAH WAH

This blog has been neglected by me, and I don't really feel like keeping up on it. Bottom line, Superbad was really funny, Knocked Up really wasn't.

Keep up on my random bullshit stories, stupid antics, opinions, and possible movie shit at

bdelehanty.blogspot.com

LAWSON news @ lawsonwhiteheat.blogspot.com

Thanks for reading, now go out and watch movies yourself! Pricks!

The Bourne Ultimatum

Part 3 in the new James Bond series was pretty good. Let me start by saying I love Julia Stiles, and I think shes hot cause shes a real chick, not a barbie doll.

Anyways, I am keeping this one short too cause I am bored of writing already and am going to buy a new bed. Anyways, Matt Damon is pretty cool in this, and its surprising how believable he is as an action star since hes such a hollywood hunk.

The whole movie pertains to him finding out about a specific top secret CIA program (which of course ties everything together for him as to why he cant remember his past). So he goes all around the world, leading the CIA and their assassins on a nice game of cat and mouse, while singlehandedly kicking the living shit about everybody who stands in his way. These are cool ass kickings too.

My biggest complaint though, and its the same one I had about the first two, is that all these fights, and the movie in general are shot in such a frenetic style that it gets annoying to watch at points. Why would they choreograph bad ass fight scenes or car chases, only to have it hard to decipher what the fuck is happening because it looks so "crazy". Why not have it move a little bit, and let us still see what the hell is going on. I hate that style. Even when people are sitting there having a serious conversation, its like Michael J Fox is holding the camera. Cut the shit with that.

Overall it didnt take away from my enjoyment of the movie. I thought it was cool. By no means was it the best action movie of the summer like the previews claim though. Transformers and Die Hard were both better. But definately check it out, it was cool, bitches!

Hot Rod

I wasn't expecting too much from this, mainly because I think Andy Samberg is a fucking tool. He reminds me of a dude I know, really whiney, obnoxious, over the top TRYING to be funny, but it comes off with me reacting like "Man I want to punch this annoying prick in his fucking nose"

So this is about a guy whos a bogus stuntman. He fails at all his stunts, and general Jackass moments happen throughout. It is all building up to his one huge stunt, and him wanting to bag the chick from Wedding Crashers, who doesnt though?

It had a lot more laughs than I thought it would. There were also a few things lifted from other movies, like the rolling down the hill part was in Kung Pow, but that didn't make me not laugh any less. Some laugh out loud moments definately took place, but like I said, most of the stuff with Samberg just seemed so forced and he was trying way too hard.

It wound up being a nice entertaining 90 minutes, but since I saw it free, I also dont mind as much that hes annoying. If you like the guy and his obnoxious voice, go see it in the theatre, otherwise waiting for the DVD would be cool too.

The Simpsons

I've neglected this, and neglected putting up half decent movie reviews. I have been pretty busy looking at my hair fall out to do anything extrememly productive recently. So the next couple will be shorter again cause I dont feel like going all out.

The Simpsons was pretty good. The first maybe half hour or so, while they're in Springfield had me laughing the most. I usually dont read other reviews and take them too seriously, but I agreed with all of them that once they leave Springfield, the laugh factor fades a ton. Not saying it becomes boring or shitty or anything, cause I still liked the movie as a whole, but it definately did cool off.

I definately recommend checking it out, especially for the hardcore nudity thats shown in it, which to me was the funniest part of the whole movie. Pretty good

I Know Who Killed Me (Short)

Lindsay Lohan is a pretty good actor. Its just too bad shes such a fuck up. If she doesnt straighten herself out she will be another generic Hollywood True Story about how she died young, and was a stupid idiotic bitch yadda yadda yadda.

She was the best part of a movie that was sort of a mess. Whole serial killer mystery, and then it goes into this zany other shit about amnesia and all that stuff, since she wakes up and is sure shes not who they think she is. From there, it just gets crazier, with weirder shit going on, and it all climaxes with such a laughable final shot in the movie. The theatre cracked up at it cause it was pretty silly.

Lindsay as a stripper: Thumbs up
Gore: it was okay, chopped off limbs and the best part was the finger in the glove. I laughed at that.

Overall though, I'd definately wait till it came on free tv to check it out. Pretty blah, but she was good in it.

Chuck and Larry (Short)

This will be a short one because its hot, and I dont feel like going into huge detail.

Adam Sandler heads back to his roots and is pretty damn funny in this. Throughout the movie I was cracking up, and all the offensive stereotypes and rediculous jokes and shit were great.

Definately recommend this one, as its one of the funnier movies I've seen in the theatres in a while.

Jessica Biel is SMOKING hot too.

Live Free or Die Hard

I think Bruce Willis is the dude, and I love over the top action movies. So since they decided to bring back Die Hard, I was pretty excited. The original trailers had me creaming my jeans, so I couldn't wait for the movie to actually come out. I saw it a couple weeks ago, and it sure didn't dissapoint.

There is a cyber terrorist on the loose, and he is destroying America and causing panic all over the country, while trying to heist a shit load of money in the process. John McClane is called into action, and he beats the shit out of EVERYBODY.

The action was awesome, and starts pretty much from the get go. There is witty banter back and forth between Willis and the annoying kid from the Apple commercials. Thankfully in this, he wasn't annoying and was actually pretty tolerable.

The action sequences were so crazy and unbelievable, but isn't that how a movie like this is supposed to be? If you got millions of dollars being put in to a movie, make it as extravagant as possible, so people like me will pop boners into my popcorn. Then when I think it cant get better, I can butter it with the load I shot from the next series of explosions and ass kicking.

This movie was awesome, it ran a solid non boring 2 and a half hours, and kept me engaged the whole way through. I've debated with myself if I liked this or Transformers better, but I will stick with Transformers, and this is right there behind it on the scale of awesome. I do agree, that if this had an R rating, and more swearing and some actual blood spraying out of people, it would be even better. Small things to complain about, when it was still action packed, plenty of violence, and more "dick heads" in a movie than I've noticed in a while.

5 butt affair.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

I HATE the original Texas Chainsaw. I know for it's time, it was one of the most shocking movies made, and it really scared the shit out of people, but for me personally, I think its way over rated, boring, and completely atrocious. When they made the remake a couple years ago, I liked it and thought it was pretty fun.

When I heard they were making a prequel to the remake, I thought, well if its like the remake, it'll be a decent watch. And it is pretty much the exact same thing as the remake.

Instead of Jessica Biels sweet ass being stalked, they got Jordana Brewster from the Fast and the Furious running around showing her ass crack. Not bad.

The movie itself is decent. The gore is turned up by a ton, and they don't shy away from showing anything. Like most movies will show a guy with a sledgehammer, then cut away before the impact. Not this one. You get to see it bounce off a guys face. Body parts ripped apart and all that crazy shit.

The problem for me with the movie is, since I know it's a prequel, and its obvious leather face, the "sherrif", and all the rest of the sick assholes in the house are in the original, how can you feel any suspense during this one? It's obvious from the get go that all the kids are gonna get slaughtered, just a matter of how. If that was a "SPOILER" for anybody, shut up, you already know nobody in the Leatherface Clan is dead anyways.

If you like movies with tons of gore, and sexy ladies running around looking sexy not scared, I guess watch it. If you've already seen the remake, you can skip this, cause with that one the ending is a lot more satisfying.

2 buttholes

Transformers

All you Michael Bay hating people, go experience the glory that is Transformers. It was an all around action packed fiesta of a good time. There was comedy. There was the generic romance, with a HOT chick. The usual visuals from Michael Bay (who in my opinion makes the nicest looking movies around). The guy is the master of the eye candy and sexy music video look. And there was KICK ASS ACTION.

So far, this movie takes the cake for me of all the summer shit I've seen. It was a very enjoyable, very entertaining thrill ride the whole time. I dont know how the guy does it, but he knows how to make chaotic action sequences, and these epic scenes of destruction seem like its no big deal.

This movie cost 150 million to make, yet Pirates and Spiderman 3 cost upwards of 300 million? Evan Almighty cost more than Transformers? What the fuck? With the visual effects, fight sequences, action, and AWESOME explosions, you'd assume Transformers cost a billion big ones. But the movie had far much more to show and offer than the others, and somehow they squeezed the whole package into a more exciting movie than the others at a fraction of the cost.

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME

5 holes baby! The crowd was awesome too. There were cheers and people going crazy for shit in the movie and it was all enjoyable. I usually hate that shit too.

I'll be checking it out again

1408

Haunted hotel room ghost story type deal. I am thinking I should start posting the trailers for the movies in the blog so I don't need to take the 20 seconds to write a poor synopsis of it on here. Either way, guy faces off with the haunted hotel room thats killed everybody thats ever stayed in it. Will he be the next death? SPOOOOOOKY!

This one had so much potential and I was pumped to see it. The preview looked awesome, and I havent seen a good haunted house type movie in a while. So I was pretty ready to go for this one.

It started off with a bang. Samuel L. is the pimp and building up the murderous hotel room and making you get prepared for the crazy shit thats about to happen to poor old John Cusack. Prepared I was. This was the first time I felt knots in my stomache building up anticipated a scare fest.

The first 45 minutes, maybe an hour, were awesome. The room was creepy. The pictures of all the dead people in the room, and the whole build up was great. Unfortunately, mid way through the haunting, the movie sputtered and ran out of gas. It was still cool, but it really just died out which was a real let down.

Acting was cool. Cusack was pretty good, and Samuel L., that guy can't do wrong it seems. Every role he has seems custom made for a sassy black mother fucker. The guys the dude and I wish we could get him in our movies.

If you dont wanna go see Pirates or Spiderman or any of the other big summer movies, go drop the money for a half decent time. Otherwise, wait for the DVD. 3 holes

Hostel 2

This one picks up right where part 1 ended, so we get to see what happens to Pax from the first one. Then, we get pretty much the same movie as part 1 for the first 50 minutes or so, minus the witty banter, and dudes banging tons of chicks, with the addition of more backstory for the Elite Hunting Group.

Not saying its a bad thing, but the charm of part 1, were the likable characters, and the fun situations they were in until they were being chopped to bits. In this one, the build up and all that seemed pretty un-necesary because we already knew who was going to get killed from the get go.

The torture scenes themselves were gross enough. The first one for some reason made me squirm and uncomfortable more than I figured anything would. Good acting on behalf of the person involved, and it was a pretty gross situation.

There are a bunch of recurring characters from the first, and some things that happen I think for the sake of shock value (see the bubble gum kids meeting with the Elite Hunting leader), but overall it was interesting enough. I was totally involved in the story with the two guys who were high bidders on some of the girls and seeing how their stories played out, although the pay off seemed out of left field in a way for one of them.

The whole movie seems like a build up for the ending, which had the whole theatre hooting and howling because it was pretty entertaining to see. It wasn't "the most shocking horror ending ever" like its been built, but it was pretty gross and fun to watch pan out.

After that incident transpires, there's a total Cabin Fever esque campy ending to the movie. It really seems like Eli Roth just wanted to make the sequel for the ending torture sequence.

Overall, not a bad movie, and it was entertaining enough. But it lacked in the suspense department, and the humor department that the first one had going for it. Mainly because like I said, we already know whats going to happen to the girls, just a matter of when and how, where as the first one it was all new to people and it was an awesome ride.

3.5 Buttholes. Entertaining, but part 1 was overall a more enjoyable trip to the Hostel

Pirates 3

Third and possibly final movie in the series. This one wasn't as good as the other two. The first was the best and they've gradually gone down hill in my opinion. This one had some half decent action sequences, and the best part of the movie is in the first 20-25 minutes in my opinion when they are at Chow Yun Fats place trying to do some funny business.

The Depp hallucinations, multiple personalities were kinda lame. Orlando Bloom is still a homo who is the same character in every movie, just with different version of his gay hair.

The biggest complaint I have about the movie, is there are about 500 swerves, turncoats, backstabbings in the span of about 3 minutes, and it's pretty hard to follow who is going to get who and who is on what team. It got very confusing, very fast. For the people who complained there were too many storylines in Spiderman 3, that was a breeze compared to this.

I'll give it 2 and a half butts, so I suppose it's a middle butt of a movie. You could wait for the dvd.

The Professional

I had this saved in my drafts since May. I thought I wrote it and posted it, but there was nothing in this one.

So in brief, here is my take on the movie:

Natalie Portman is a horny pervert who likes old guys that like to drink lots of milk. (Maybe she should call me)

Said old guy who likes to drink milk, also likes to kill people for money.

Tons of action ensues, a romantic sub story that isn't fully developed because it would be so creepy in America (but it turns out in the other versions, they're an item). Fun movie, and was a good watch.

4 buttholios

Identity

This is about a group of strangers who all wind up at a hotel, and are picked off 1 by 1 by a killer. All the while, there is some maniac up for the death sentence and is 24 hours away from being offed, before they find a way to possibly get him off.

I liked this. I can't really say too much about the two stories connecting or anything, but lets just say all the shit happening in the hotel is much better off on its own, and thats the stuff that I was really digging. The other stuff got in the way and kinda ruined some of the movie for me.

Either way, theres some good who dunnit mystery going on and a what the hell is happening type action. Pretty cool stuff up until the movie is coming to its climax. At that point something took me out of the who dunnit mystery and it kind of lost its effect for me. I get it, and why its like that, but eh. Tired of that crap already.

I cant get into much without spoiling anything, but I would recommend this and say its worth a look.

3 and a half buttholes.

Shrek 3

Continuation of that fat ass Ogre and his zany adventures throughout the world of make believe. I have never seen the others, and didn't really want to see this one. I went in with an open mind however, so as to give it a fair chance.

Lame. The animation is very impressive in it and I thought it looked really nice, but that was about it. I had nothing else going on during a rainy night and the people I went with were looking forward to it. Hearing their opinions at the end made me know I wasn't just a negative jerk as they also weren't very impressed.

A lot of the stuff I've seen in other movies before. I don't know how many more movies are going to have the makeover scene for an ugly monster type and they wind up needed a sander or chizzle to cut their disgusting toenails. I liked it in Dumb and Dumber, haven't liked it since.

Most of the jokes and generic romantic elements were pretty lackluster and run of the mill. Even for kids, I can't imagine them being too hot on the movie. There were comments after the movie that it seemed like as opposed to one writer, there was a committee or something like that, as maybe there were too many chefs stirring the pot on this one. The story was very weak, very basic, and nothing too exciting at all.

Cameron Diaz annoys me regardless of what shes in. Mike Myers doing the Scottish voice has earned him tons of money, but thats three movies that I know of where that one voice plays a key element. Hes going to be Robin Williams someday and do the same 2 bits over and over. Hopefully he comes back with a nice, new, refreshing live action comedy without recycling a ton of shit again, because I think he's cool.

Justin Timberlakes an annoying weenie. Eddie Murphys lines all seemed so forced, contrived, and unfunny, but he was trying. Whatever, enough trash talk I suppose.

Lets just say it looks very pretty, but as far as animated fare goes in recent times, I stick with my opinion that the Incredibles is one of the best of the past 10 years.

This gets a 2 on the butthole-o-meter from me. Not completely shitty, but also not squeaky clean.

28 Weeks Later

Follow up to the "rage" infected people (not zombies), running rampant through England. The virus has been contained, until some fucking dumb kids bring it back into the city and all hell breaks loose.

I wasn't a huge fan of the first movie, but still wanted to check out part 2. I was pleasantly surprised and thoroughly enjoyed this one. It starts off with a bang, and pretty much doesn't stop aside from a few different character parts in it. The action, suspense, and gore factor in this went through the roof.

Some of the stuff kept you literally on the edge of your seat, wondering what was going to happen. Very well done, and like the first one, I liked all of the shots of desolate London. Good shit in this one, and the helicopter scene (although as someone pointed out we just saw in Planet Terror) was definately one of the highlights, along with all the sweet sniper action.

Only complaint, why is it that every zombie movie needs to have a lead zombie? What makes one zombie more of a zombie than the other? I get that it was tying the story together to have this person be the leader, but it's retarded. He just happens to be everywhere the people are, at that same time. Suspension of disbelief is fine and good, but with thousands of people/rage victims getting sniped and blown away at an insane rate, what are the odds that the zombie boss gets away like that? Bogus.

Other than that, definately recommend and like Hot Fuzz, I'll make this a 5 butthole affair as well.

Hot Fuzz

The guys behind Shaun of the Dead put this action/cop comedy together. A big time cop gets sent to a small town, and is trying to find out why there is such a large accident rate, while no murders have been commited. All the accidents are questionable which leads him to believe a killer is on the loose.

I loved this. There was a nice balance of comedy, action, and just over all entertainment with a good whodunnit going on. Everything about it was pretty solid. I have no real complaints about anything at all.

This is a short one because it was all positive, and all awesome. Good gun fight at the end. Non stop action at that point, a decent enough climax to the story, and good acting/writing throughout.

This is a 5 butthole affair in my opinion.

Maniac Cop

Serial killer is on the loose, and word gets out that a cop is suspected of the dirty work. Zany antics happen as they try to find out the mystery of the Maniac Cop!

This was entertaining for what it was. There could've been better MANIAC scenes in it. Something better than chokeholds and not so gruesome stabbings. But you cant have it all.

The story was pretty cheesy, and the acting even cheesier. But I was still interested in seeing where things went. It was a half decent way to kill 80 minutes. Not the best bad action movie I've seen, and it certainly wasn't an edge of your seat thriller like it could have been. I sort of think they dropped the ball on the Maniac Cop, and think this movie would be good if it got the remake treatment today with better acting, better effects, and better story.

I'll give it a 2 and a half, so if you're bored and wanna check out a silly concept, check it out. Don't go out of your way or anything though.

Spiderman 3

Third in the trilogy, and still I think each has gotten better. I loved it. My only complaint really is Topher Grace when he is Venom. As Eddie Brock he was fine. He came off as a weasily dick, and it worked. As Venom however, I think it was stupid to not have his voice change or anything like that since Venom is huge, scary looking, and overall badass, and then you hear Topher Graces faggoty voice during intense fight scene. Bogus.

Other than that, I thought it was sweet all around. Mary Jane is a stupid bitch though. SHE is the selfish one, not my main man Peter Parker. It was great though when she told him to screw off and he became ultra confident. Parker strutting his stuff was hilarious, and it was an enjoyable sequence in the movie.

The action was really good, and the fights were pretty wild. The effects for the Sandman were really cool too. Only a few times did he look kinda shitty, but overall I thought they did a really good job with him.

Best in the movie though for me was James Franco. I didn't give two shits about him in 1 or 2, but in this one after he gets amnesia, he's classic. Every scene he's in he cracked me up and was stealing them. He's so cheesy. Plus, Willem Dafoe is in his scenes too, and the painting of him is superb.

For all the crap I'd heard about how it wasn't that good, and the others were better, I was expecting a real stinker. Not the case. I was glued to the screen the entire time and couldn't wait to see where things were going.

5 wide open assholes for this one. Awesome.

p.s. Bryce Dallas Howard was actually pretty good to look at for once. Everything else she's been in she's looked aweful. Not bad.

The Condemned

This was WWFs third feature put out, and this one starred Steve Austin. Basically, its the Running Man, updated with some changes. 10 death row inmates from around the world are bought by a sleezy television producer, and they have 30 hours to fight to the death on an island, and the last man/woman standing goes free. They all have ankle bombs attached to them so if they try to pull em off, they explode, and if all aren't killed by the end of the alloted time, they explode.

On to the movie. Personally, I thought it was pretty entertaining throughout. Austin, in his first featured roll, came off pretty good for what he was, and that was the bad ass, no bullshit good guy. The action starts pretty much right away, and surprisingly, they didn't hold much back in this.

Decent enough action sequences, although this movie is a victim of the absolutely horrible frantic camera work/quick edits during fight scenes to make things seem crazier than they are. So some of the fights were hard to follow, but the action itself was pretty good.

The story itself was interesting enough too. The TV guy really came off like a douchebag, and you wanted something bad to happen to him. I was compelled throughout, to see where things were going, and the added factor of the FBI trying to find out where the online broadcast was coming from added another factor to it as well.

Maybe I am biased, but I was a fan of the story for other reasons as well, as I had come up with something similar a few years back that a couple of people got to read, and I saw this with Tommy, and afterwards he said it reminded him of the script I wrote. I agreed, so it was sorta cool seeing something similar done and getting to watch it, even though it wasn't mine and I didnt get paid for it.

Vinnie Jones was in it as the main villain, and he was cool enough. He comes off like a prick too, so when his showdown comes up at the end, I wanted to see him get his face kicked in.

WWF took a lot of slack and was pretty much ripped apart by critics from the get go, so I truly believe this movie didnt get a fair shake at all. Not only that, I also believe that if you werent a wrestling fan, you probably had no idea this movie was even out (which in a recent interview, Vince McMahon himself said he also believes that Lionsgate dropped the ball on promoting it as they only tried to get WWF fans). Oh well, what can you do?

Hopefully this doesnt set them back from doing more movies, as so far the 2 of 3 I've watched have been pretty fun, but obviously nothing thats going to win any awards.

I will give it 4 buttholes, cause I thought it was very entertaining. Cant wait to see Steve Austin in a comedy.

Lethal Weapon

This is one of those movies that is ruined for me because I know there are three sequals, all starring Handsome Gibson, and Danny Glover, so any suspense about them getting offed is gone for me.

For me, I mostly wanted to check it out because the writer, Shane Black, was largely considered the top hot writer in the mid/late 80's and got huge amounts of cash for some of his scripts.

The movie itself was entertaining, nothing blow away for me, although it is 20 years old. Gibson was decent in it, although I totally didn't buy him as an on the edge, suicidal cop at all. I was actually laughing at that shit. I'm sure the ladies went crazy back in the day for him especially when he walks around bare assed in his beach house. Danny Glover was alright. The straight man to the psycho. Busey was in it, and was pretty weak.

The entire cast of bad guys and cronies was pretty weak for me. There was nobody that came off as a legitimate bad mother fucker, as you'd expect in a movie like this. Personally, I think Nathan White from Death Wish 4, as silly as he is, was way better. Not only that, the climax was better in the Bronson "classic".

Not to say these two movies can be compared, but it is definately funny to me that Lethal Weapon is largely considered a classic, where as the Death Wish movies can be found for $3.99 everywhere.

Overall, I think it was decent at best. I am sure at the time it was hip, cutting edge, and top tier action, but nowadays, its a weak 80's action movie. There are plenty better.

Not only that, the music SUCKS. This movie over did it with the saxaphone. Way over did it.

Richard Donner directed this, and one thing I thought was pretty cool was his advertising in the background for another movie he had a hand in making when on the marquee in the background, The Lost Boys was playing. That's so long ago.

Bottom line, I should've done the Mission Impossible idea and start with part 4 and go backwards to see how the originals compared to the sequels. Ah well.

2.5 buttholes. It was alright, not blow away.

One other thing, most of the helicopter and city shots from the air are so shitty. They are so shaky. Could've done better on those. Jerks.

Dead Next Door

This was a low budget zombie flick I heard about from Tommy. Obviously, its about zombies, and how they've taken over the world, and there is a zombie squad out there to eliminate them all. The squad runs into this crazy religious cult who keeps the zombies alive and they're all lunatics yadda yadda yadda.

This movie had some pretty good gore in it. It gives me hope that our gory scenes in White Heat are going to be pretty damn good. For a movie with such a low budget, there were so many people involved in it.

The acting was pretty horrible, and the story was even worse. The only thing that kept me entertained were the gore shots themselves.

On the dvd though, there was an extra feature about everybody 20 years later. I found that to be the most interesting thing on the whole disc. It really gives hope to me that all our shit we want to do, can catch on and gain a following, since apparently this movie is a big cult hit. Don't really know why.

2 buttholes. Wasn't too good, and I wound up dozing off towards the end.

Children of Men

This is the one about how civilization is on the downfall. Human beings are a dying breed as women are all infertile in the year 2027. All countries are falling apart and there are constant wars and political shit tossing all over the world, and then there is a miracle when a pregnant woman is found in London.

I liked the movie a lot. Even with all of the political undertones and all that jazz in it (which I usually can't stand in movies). But in all seriousness, the movie was entertaining and I was interested in seeing what would happen next.

There were some stellar action sequences that I assume were planned and ran through numerous times before actually shooting them. They go nonstop for a good ten minutes or so without a cut and they were very impressive.

The acting was cool, and Clive Owen has won me over in the few things I've seen him in. He's good. Michael Cain was a comic relief hippy activist who was good in his role as well. No complaints on the acting department on this one.

The art department and set designers also deserve a HUGE round of applause from everybody as they made you feel like you were in a wasteland. All of the scenery throughout the movie had the perfect amount of doom and gloom and trash and so on and so forth. They did a really good job creating a slum of a city and making you feel the despair that people are going through.

One part I liked while the characters were referencing the activism some of the people had done in their lives was when Clive Owen admits that he was into that shit to get chicks. That's what I think most young, "hip" college types get into that shit for in the first place. Maybe thats too judgemental on my behalf, but there are so many dickheads at my school who are so outspoken on politics and have no substance behind what they're saying. On the flipside of course, there are definately some that know the facts and have an idea about what they're talking about as well. Me personally, I'd prefer to keep politics out of everything, including these movie reviews so I should probably shut up about it now eh?

Whatever. I definately recommend the movie as there were some sweet ass action sequences, a cool story, some good acting, and an overall enjoyable movie. The only complaint I have however, is that most of the sequences where it felt like I should be on the edge of my seat for suspense purposes, I really wasn't. I'm not sure why either, but I just wasn't too caught up in the whole cat and mouse, running and hiding type deal.

In the end, 4 buttholes, definately check it out.

Fucking hippies.

Turistas

I remember when I first saw the commercials for this, all I could think about was how big a ripoff it was of Hostel. I read an interview with the director and he seemed genuinely upset over the comparisons, as he hadnt even known of Hostel at the time they were shooting, and with that movies success, the marketing department pretty much cloned Hostel for the trailer.

That being said, Turistas is like watching Hostel in Brazil, only there is an actual reason behind the killings, as opposed to Hostel where its pretty much just sick fucks paying to experience murder. From the get go though, you know right away why the people are being kidnapped and cut up, so its no mystery when its happening.

The locations and visuals were pretty good. Brazil seems like a nice place to visit to check out hot women with fat asses wearing next to nothing.

The acting was alright, and the comic relief guys were anything but comic. I fount that most of the characters, I really didn't give a shit about, and it was very predictable as to who would get snuffed and what this person or that person would do. Nothing out of the ordinary in that aspect at all.

With apparently a smaller budget then they let on, they did some nice camera trickery, and creative shots to show they had a non existant helicopter, and a gun fight with little to no special effects. There were some other parts of the movie where better special effects would've helped immensely. A CGI body falling off a cliff looks pretty fucking cheesey if you ask me. At least throw a dummy off.

Anyhow, the story was alright, the suspense was nearly non existent, and as I said, the characters were just there.

Trying not to compare it to Hostel is tough, and believe me I tried. There are just too many similarities in my opinion, and with that I'd say this is just fluff compared to the real deal. This wasn't atrocious, but it also wasn't very great at all. Middle of the road thriller. If you're bored I guess I'd say check it out, but have Hostel on hand so you can compare and contrast, and actually enjoy yourself and get involved with the story of the more superior tourists getting slaughtered movie.

Grindhouse

Throwback to the 70's cheesey B-movies with cheesey acting, bad puns, and ultra violence.

This was the brainchild of Robert Rodriguez, who is a complete jack of all trades. The guy is one of the smartest out there, and doesn't give a fuck about playing by the rules. I think this was a great idea, and so did Quentin Tarantino, so he jumped all over it as well and gets most of the credit.

First off is Rodriguez' flick, Planer Terror. A bunch of zombies are taking over, and all hell breaks loose as we find out whats going on. This was absolutely AWESOME. Everything about it was pretty damn sweet. It had great little jokes, very very cool gore in it (insane amounts, buckets of blood from the tiniest wounds), and a pretty fun group of characters to follow throughout the mayhem.

From top to bottom, I can't think of anything that was dissapointing about this, and it exceeded my expectations. There are so many cool visuals, and some unexpected twists and turns (not story wise, but just how people, and what people get liquified). There were plenty of terrible jokes that cracked the theatre up, and you can tell this was a complete homage to the horrible b movies of the 70's, hence the whole idea in the first place.

The acting was great, the dialogue and witty banter were hilarious, the special effects were VERY great, and just the over all fun and entertainment value was awesome. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Preview before was for Machete with the incredibly ugly Danny Trejo. See the preview and one shot in particular makes him even uglier than normal. Very cool, cant wait to see the actual movie if it really goes straight to DVD.

Werewolf Women of the SS by Rob Zombie, not the best of the 4 fakes, but still impressive considering it was done in a couple of days. There wasn't too much to be excited about from this one in my opinion.

Don't, by the guys that did Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, was really funny with the slow narration, and comical visuals. I cracked up at it.

Finally Eli Roth's Thanksgiving was so rediculous, yet so good. The cheerleader doing the split on the trampoline was pure genius. Eli Roth is a sick bastard, and Thanksgiving would be a movie I'd check out for how rediculous it looked.

Then the big "main event" with Tarantino's Death Proof. Let me say before I get into this, I already thought this one looked like the weaker of the two movies, as most people did, but when it started, I had an open mind to give it a fair chance.

I shit you not, 30 fucking minutes into the movie and we are still listening to these obnoxious whores talking about absolutely nothing, getting incredible visuals of them talking about nothing, of their feet (who knew there'd be 50 foot shots in a Tarantino movie), and of the jukebox at the bar playing a new song every ten seconds. I swear if I had to see the records start playing on one more song I would've been so annoyed. It was like we were personally treated to Tarantinos favorite songs, and we had to sit there listening to bitch girls spewing annoying dialogue that he was probably blowing his load to while writing it.

Seriously, I know the guy is a "genius" when it comes to character development and witty "real" dialogue, but this was the most tedious piece of shit I've ever had to sit through. The dialogue made me not give two shits about the bitches, and made me wish they were dead already, or that there would be another Missing Reel, and Planet Terror would start back up.

Moving on, Kurt Russel as Stuntman Mike made the movie bearable. He was awesome, and without giving anything away, his first big scene, being the bad guy, was very very cool. Well done.

The only problem though, we got stuck with another ETERNITY of more EVEN MORE ANNOYING banter going back and forth from these fucking bitches. Let me say this as well. After Clerks 2, and this movie, Rosario Dawson has become one of my least favorite attractive chicks with humongous bouncy tits to watch. Her voice is annoying, she says fuck and swears really awkwardly and it seems so forced and acted, and over all, shes just grating. It wasn't just her either, as the Sassy Black Gangsta bitch was annoying, and the New Zealand bitch was atrocious as well.

So I don't know if I've gotten the point across yet, so let me say it again. The dialogue and character driven formula of this movie failed miserably, do to there being nothing interesting being said at all, and it all just seemed like filler for before the Stuntman Mike shit. This wasnt good banter like the guys at the restaraunt in Reservoir Dogs talking about tipping. I wish.

Anyhow, when Stuntman finally, THANKFULLY, comes back into play, the movie already feels like its been playing for 8 days and I want to see these twats get dominated. What follows is a cool car chase, and the climax, yadda yadda yadda.

It was bad. Not even because I think the guys his biggest fan either. It was so annoyingly bad that there were people that walked out half way through.

This one didn't have the charm, the atmosphere, or the audience participation that Planet Terror had, and to be honest, the constant talking seemed to take the wind out of everything, especially after something good did happen.

What was cool about Planet Terror was that it had a consistent 70's movie feel with the scratchy, grimey film look and it would stretch and become miscolored and shit, and there was a cool blow out of the film and a missing reel gag which worked. Whereas in Tarantino's, for the first 10 minutes it looks old and shitty, with intentionally bad editing and shit, but then its all forgotten and its a standard movie with no gimmicks to it. Then we are treated to a less creative Missing Reel sequence.

Whatever. Not to deter people or seem like I am down on the entire thing as a whole because I am not. I think the whole thing is a genius idea, and think there is definately an audience for more of these. More on the Terror side, less on the Death Proof side.

If people were going to watch, I'd go for the first half, the previews, and when Death Proof starts, I'd totally be walking out the door as well.

Planet Terror: 5 Buttholes for overall enjoyment and fun

Death Proof: Minus Kurt Russel, this was really treading in the Chocolate Factory shitty waters. 1.5 from me, maybe boosted to 2 buttholes because of a SICK crash sequence.

Disturbia

Sneak Preview of this one, starring that asshole Shia Lebouf from Disney channel, who is also going to annoy me in Transformers later this summer. Its about a kid under house arrest, who starts suspecting his neighbor is a serial killer responsible for the dissapearances of a few local women. Is it true? Or is it a bad case of cabin fever weighing on his mind?

This was a PG-13 affair, so I wasn't expecting much in the form of a horror/thriller. To a certain extent this was true, as there is barely any bloodshed in this, and literally no foul language aside from "shit", but that was about it. Since its also a youngsters affair, no nudity or anything, but theres some nice bikini action to go along with the worst part of the movie, the romantic interest.

Outside of the shitty relationship blossoming, and the HORRIBLE scene on the porch during the party, I thoroghly enjoyed the movie. I found it to be a pleasant surprise to be honest. It kept me interested throughout the entire movie, and made me want to know what was going to happen next.

The asian dude sidekick was the best part of the movie. He was awesome. Lebouf (if thats even how you spell it) wasn't half bad either. There are a few things, like one at the beginning in particular where the incident was overdone just a little bit, and would have been fine with the initial part of it. The opening however, was pretty cool.

Anyways, I don't have too much to say really, but I think for the crowd its going after, it will be a big hit with them. Very entertaining, and I am sure little teenage girls will totally get sucked into whats going on.

Definately recommend this one at the least on DVD, but if you don't mind seeing a scaled down thriller as far as violence goes, go to the theatre if you have a little brother/sister/nephew/neice who might get scared.

Bloodrayne

This is a "prequel" to the video game series of the same name. Basically its a vampiress, who kills vampires. In this, she is trying to get revenge on her dad since he killed her mother, and he is trying to be an evil overlord who controls the world. Typical bogus storyline of good vs. evil, but what can you do?

Uwe Boll directed this, who is most famous for challenging movie critics to boxing matches after they rip his movies apart. For some reason, the guy wont stop making video games into movies, and he's given us such flops as House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. If you've seen House of the Dead, sorry, and if you haven't, DON'T! Not saying the guy sucks or anything, but man, how can you make House THAT bad?

Moving on to Bloodrayne. I wasn't expecting much, and rented it because it seemed like it MIGHT have potential, and I was right. The acting in it is pretty atrocious from all parties, aside from the chicks flopping their titties in Meat Loafs face. The accents were terrible, and the dialogue was horrific. Hearing Michael Madsen talk in this, along with Michelle Rodriguez trying to have an 18th century "OLDE TIME" accent was wretched.

For most of the movie, the story didn't keep me interested in the slightest. I got it, she wants to get revenge, and people are standing in the way and are hunting her and so on. It was a lame story, but what kept me interested were the gory action sequences. After seeing 300, the choreography of these sword fights pales in comparison, but what made them MORE enjoyable for me personally, were the awesome special effects they used with heads were being lopped off, and bodies being impaled. No digital shit, it was all prosthetics and corn syrup baby! There were some good ones too!

I enjoy that they took the time to make rubber heads, so they could collapse them and have the shoot gallons of blood from the holes. Thats what movies like this SHOULD do. There weren't a ton of these fights, but the ones there were, left a good enough impression on me that I can say story aside, acting aside, and pretty much everything that normally makes an enjoyable movie aside, this wasn't half bad.

Obviously it wont win any awards, and was probably ripped apart like everything else the guy puts out, but if you are sitting around the house with nothing to do and see that the movie is on, watch it and maybe you'll enjoy the action sequences, and the tit shots that are in the movie.

Not a masterpiece by any means, but also not in league with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I will give it 2.5 buttholes out of 5, but if the action wasn't as well done, I'd say don't bother. Entertained during action, bored during story.

The Lookout

A bank heist is planned, with Joseph Gordon Levitt unknowingly being part of the plan until he is befriended by the bad guys. Jeff Daniels is his blind room mate who is similarly screwed up, as both have had accidents in their past to make living a normal life tough.

There is more to the story than that, but you get the idea.

The movie starts off kind of slow, with it more about establishing the characters of everybody in the movie, and driving the point home that the 3rd Rock From the Sun kid is fucked up because of the car accident he was in. Thinking back, with all of the character development, and one scene in particular in the coffee shop, I wish there was a payoff with him and the shrink lady, but we see her once and thats it.

Anyways, once the whole movie is set up, we get to the heist itself. This is where I became more interested, not that the other shit was bad, but I knew it was coming so I wanted to see it. This part moves by pretty quickly, maybe too quickly compared to the rest of the movie.

I dont really want to say much about it so as to not ruin anything, but there was some good action in there, nothing blow away. Some good acting, and Getty Lee from RUSH is one of the bad guys. Whether its really him or not, I am not sure.

Overall I liked the movie, didnt love it. I also dont know why people are blowing Levitt up to be the next big thing as I thought he was pretty good, but nothing blow away. I like him as an actor and all, I just hate when it seems like the big wigs are trying to push somebody as the next big thing, as opposed to it happening naturally.

3 and a half assholes out of 5. I'd say check it out if you have extra cash floating around, if not, wait two months and rent it. As I said, I liked it but didnt love it.

Jeff Daniels was good though. I think its the first thing I've seen him in since Dumb and Dumber. I am sure thats not true, but I cant remember anything since.


COMING SOON: Bloodrayne, Turistas, Children of Men, Shooter (with Marky Mark, not the biography of Shooter McGavin)

Versus

This is a Japanese movie, which sounded great when you hear it's a gore fest, zombie apocolypse type deal, but man, was it a dissapointment.

Apparently, there is a forest of resurrection, where people can be brought back to life, which explains all of the zombies. So a gun fight erupts and some pretty bad martial arts fights happen right away, but it wasn't very interesting.

A lot of the scenes where it seemed like I was in for some sick gory action, it was cut. I don't know what the deal is because it was obviously supposed to be pretty gory, and you could tell. This was frustrating, because with how slow, how uninteresting, and how bored I was watching, the gore could have at least made it an enjoyable watch.

For the first hour of the movie, I was still confused about what the hell was going on. Why were people chasing the main guy and the kidnapped girl? What is the deal with the bad guy that showed up later in the movie, and kept being built up as the scariest guy around? Eh. I really didn't give two shits at all. I also was uninterested in more of the same. The whole movie took place just in the forest. There was never another location. There was nothing remotely interesting, aside from the wonder I had of what the gore scenes SHOULD have looked like.

I have pretty much nothing positive to say about this, and to say I was dissapointed is an understatement. Especially knowing how gory it probably was. The dubbed voices were terrible too. It sounded like it was a one man show with one person doing all the dude voices and a chick was brought it briefly.

I'll give it a butthole. Just one, and its covered in flaring hemerrhoids. Even the worst of movies get a hole for it being a movie. All except Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, thats the shittiest movie I've seen in a long time.

Not a recommended pick

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I remember seeing previews for this a while back and thinking it looked decent enough, so I got it sent to me through Blockbuster and it was a treat to watch.

Basically, Robert Downey Jr. is a petty criminal, he is about to get caught when he stumbles into an acting audition. The role he is supposed to unknowingly read for, is the same scenario which he is in at that moment. He impresses the people, and is on his way to LA for fame and fortune in the movie business. When he gets there, he is teamed with Val Kilmer (Gay Perry) as he is going to let him work with him as a detective type doing surveillance work etc. etc. Murders pile up, and they try to frame Jr., and the movie goes from there.

As I said above, this was a treat. I thought it was going to be decent enough, but it turned into a surprisingly funny, smart dark comedy. It is narrated by Downey to explain the set up and all that jazz, and has lots of jokes about Hollywood, the movie business and all that shit when it starts off. At first I thought that was kind of annoying, but it grew on me by the end.

The acting in it was really good. Downey and Kilmer characters played off of each really well and there were numerous times in the movie where I was laughing out loud at some of the situations, and lines that happened in the movie. Shane Black (the guy who got paid a SHITLOAD of money for Lethal Weapon) wrote a very clever, very funny movie. Not funny in the usual sense that I appreciate, but this was good stuff.

I know Downey being a drug addict and Kilmer being a fat, washed up bum has been everybodys opinions of them in recent years, but both were very very good in this. The girl in it, Michelle Monaghan was pretty good in it too. Not only that, she flaunts her jugs seriously, and also in one of the parts that made me crack up.

It turned into a pretty good murder mystery from the first appearance of a stiff. There were enough twists and turns and the like, and I was totally expecting one person to be involved, but they wound up not, etc. etc.

There was some decent gun play in the movie, and some really comical parts involving said gun play. The funniest part for me, is the pissing scene Downey has, and I don't want to give away anything with it, but I cracked up. Other stuff involving his hand (which if you watch it, you'll know what I mean) were really funny as well.

Over all I was very impressed, and at the same time after watching it, wondering how such a good watch of a movie, pretty much went by the wayside when it came out. Either way, for a good 100 minutes of enjoyable, funny, mystery movie, I definately recommend it and give it 4.5 out of 5 assholes.

Don't let my opinion hype this up too much for you if you see it, but I really enjoyed it and thought it was a fun flick.

TMNT

Seeing as I was a kid when this was first coming out, this was a nice nostalgia/memory lane type deal for me. The Turtles are back for the new generation of kids, and they look better than ever. There is something going on in the city, where a group of stone statues come alive and are gathering a gang of monsters, all for a possibly world take over. The Turtles, with troubles brewing on the inside, need to come together and save the day.

As I said, they look better than ever. I am really glad they went with an animated take on the characters, because they can really excel and go way over board with what they can do, as opposed to being limited by what real actors can do. The animation was very nice, slick, and beyond detailed. There is one very memorable scene, which I have seen has been talked about else where as well. There is a fight on a rooftop in the rain, and it is very cool. Awesome actually.

The story itself is cool enough, and we even get to see the remnants of the Foot Clan get involved, as they are trying to help gather up all of the Monsters running through NYC. Leonardo needs to come back from his years worth of training, to make sure the Turtles can come together, and to be a better leader. Raphael, being the prick he is, doesn't take too kindly to the situation and of course this causes in house feuding.

Anyways, the Turtles themselves were cool. I liked Leo, love Michaelangelo (favorite since I was a kid), and Donatello is not bad. I can't stand Raph, and I hated him as a kid too. I know he is supposed to be the short tempered asshole and all that, and that's fine. My main complaint with him in this one, is the fact that his voice just doesn't fit with the other Turtles. I think it was bad casting because all the others sound like teenagers, then Raph sounds like a middle aged, angry New Yorker. You'd have no idea he was supposed to be younger than Leo, aside from the fact they say it. His voice was the worst, and the only one I have a complaint about.

The action was pretty good, with some decent fights, and cool enough action sequences. Not too violent as there is no blood or anything, but I wasn't expecting any. My biggest complaint about the violence factor in the movie and all that jazz is the fact that I don't recall seeing Michaelangelos nunchucks more than a brief glimpse. I had heard that there was speculation that they were trying to phase them out for whatever reason. Too violent maybe? But I dont see how that has an argument as Raph has two razor sharp Sai'sn and Leo has his humongous swords to slash people around with. Can't see how two swinging sticks are more impressionable on kids than razor sharp blades.

Mike was there solely for comic relief, and he only had a couple of jokes. He had a good skate boarding sequence and was pretty much the same as always. Him and Donatello were pretty much background players in this, and for new kids to the movie, they might not have a big impression of the two, as it mainly focused on Raph and Leo. Splinter was as handsome as ever, as he has a nice humongous Japanese gotee hanging off his chin. For me though, one of the weirdest character changes was with KC Jones. He is banging April O'Neill, and it seems like he is completely pussy whipped by her. He comes off as a bumbling idiot who is also a night time vigilante.

What can you do? Aside from those small complaints, and me wishing Shredder and Krang were in the mix, I loved it. I was a complete kid watching it, laughing at Mikes bad jokes and the dumb little things in there. I was genuinely interested in knowing what was going to happen, and wanted to see all of the conflict resolved.

Very good in my opinion, and I will give it 4 and a half out of 5 buttholes.

I also like the opening for the sequel too, and will watch it when it comes out. Good to see something I grew up loving, is back in full effect appealing to a whole new group of kids. So good.

Dead Silence

The first trip outside of the SAW world by James Wan and Leigh Whannell, focuses on a ghost story about a ventriloquist, whos dummies may or may not be alive, murdering people and ripping tongues out if they scream.

The movie had some cool visuals, the dummies are creepy, and Mary Shaw herself is a decent enough villain. I heard a reference to her as "Freddy Kruger with tits" and I guess you could say thats true.

Anyways, as I said, the dummies are creepy, and the main one, Billy, is used pretty good. The acting and the story is pretty one dimensional. What you see is what you get as far as, "My wife was murdered, and I want to find out what the dolls had to do with it" and thats that.

Donnie Wahlberg is a cop in this one, just like Saw 2, but he was able to be funny in this one as opposed to completely pissed off. The sets were nice, characters were pretty eh, and the stupid poem they keep reciting was just that, stupid.

As far as gore goes, there isn't that much in the movie, aside from a few tongues ripped out with minimal blood, so it is weird that the movie got an R rating, when it could've been easily a PG-13. There was barely any bad language in it either, and no tits.

Usually, with a PG-13 horror flick, you are expecting a dissapointment, but since this was an R, I was expecting buckets of blood, murderous dummies, and tits being chopped off and put in hamburger buns for everybody. Instead we get an alright story, with some legitimate creepy moments, and a twist I wasn't really expecting. I liked the twist by the way, I thought it was pretty cool.

For me personally, the best element of the movie was the music, and then when something bad is going to happen, the lack thereof. First off, the opening credits start off strongly with blueprints for making the dolls, and Charlie Clouser, who scored the Saw movies, strikes hard again with a solid opening theme that reappears throughout the movie. Then when something bad is going to happen, instead of going for the cheap suspense music, everything goes silent, which fits with the movies title.

Final say, I will give it a 3 out of 5 because I liked it, didn't love it. I think after the opening situation with the initial murder, the movie drags on without anything really good happening till almost the end. If they padded the middle with some more meat to work with, it would've been bumped up for me, but it really just took too long.

Best cameo appearance, the dolls from Saw is sitting on the floor near the end.

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

The third movie in the franchise, this one revolves around a troubled 17 year old who gets into trouble for a massive car wreck. He is sent off to live with his military father in Japan where he has one last chance to turn his life around, or get thrown in jail.

So of course he gets mixed up with the wrong people right away and gets into the mix with the Yakuza, the Yakuza's hot girlfriend, and a group of people (his asian sidekick and the annoying Lil' Bow Wow) teaching him to "Drift" so he can race the main asshole again.

First off, in the opening scene it was nice to see Zachary Ty Bryan from Home Improvement back in the spotlight. Best actor of his generation right there. Secondly, the main character who is supposed to be 17, is the complete wrong choice. Right away it looks as if he's been kept back 10 times to still be in highschool. He looks ancient, and is obviously an old fart that shits his pants. 17 my ass.

Lots of the story was pretty generic and cliche, along with most of the characters being pretty one dimensional. The first glimpse of certain people, you already know their agendas and exactly what is going to happen. The main bad guy especially, once you see him, you know you're in for 90 minutes of his head tilted, staring, and giving off his "bad guy" vibe.

Whatever, I didn't really watch this for the story, and anybody who does is obviously going to rip the movie to shreds. I watched for the action packed races, cool effects, and visuals of Tokyo. Being able to do so, let me enjoy the story for what it is, a backdrop for said characteristics I just explained.

The races were good, and they were well planned out. Its obvious from the beginning how the ending of the movie is going to turn out, but the race sequences were very entertaining. The special effects for the races were pretty good too. The movies budget for cars alone is more than I will ever see in three lifetimes to be honest.

The acting was pretty shitty on all behalfs, aside from Brad Taylor of course. Lil' Bow Wow has gone from shitty rapper, to shitty rapper/actor. He stinks. The main villain, as mentioned, was pretty lame and had the tiniest nose I've ever seen which bugged the hell out of me. Main character, aside from being 78 years old and having a shitty southern accent, played his part as good as he could. The love interest was smoking hot, and that was her job.

For brainless fun for two hours, escapist entertainment, I recommend the movie just for the races alone. If you're a car fan you probably want to watch it anyways. Not the best of the three movies by any means, but it wasn't terrible at all.

I'll give it 3 out of 5, because it was pretty good, nothing blow away.

Can't wait to visit Tokyo myself to spread the word of Lawson personally.

Feast

This is the latest movie spawned from the Project Greenlight banner, and is about a group of civilians trapped inside of a bar, trying to survive an attack from a group of alien type beasts who are hungry for blood. It was what I expected and more, from a movie with the basic premise being survival from the monsters ala Night of the Living Dead.

The gore in the movie was surprisingly great, and plentiful. Lots of good legitimate effects using prosthetics and liquids as opposed to CGI blood which is always lame. Faces ripped off, heads exploding, decapitations, a flacid alien dick flopping around and so much more. The gore and violence was superb.

The story itself was good for what it is. People holed up in a bar, trying to fend off nasty monsters. I watched this the other day, and I still don't know that there was ever any reason given as to why these beasts were attacking the people, but I don't really care in the end. It played out as an enjoyable hour and a half of watching people being ripped to shreds by these blood thirsty ghouls.

The acting went from pretty decent for some people, to incredibly annoying from others. The bar owner, who looks like Vinnie Paul from Pantera was a cool scumbag. Him and the main girl stand out the most for me as far as the least annoying. The guy that takes the cake for over acting, and being overly not funny for a supposed "hilarious comedian", is that douchebag from all the "I love the insert years here" series on VH1.

Why Judah Friedlander is in anything is beyond comprehension for me. He was obnoxious and annoying as the oblivious cool dude stoner character. He was supposed to be comic relief, but he didn't get the memo and stunk up the screen. I had no idea he was even in the movie so when I saw him I said maybe he will be alright...... SIKE! He is bogus, and he is my main complaint about the movie. He's on the terrible show 30 Rock on NBC that over rated Tina Fey writes, and he sucks in that too. My nuts could wear a trucker hat and have bad sideburns and replace this guy perfectly.

Overall though, since this post was mostly to bash that douchebag, the movie was cool. I enjoyed it. If you like movies where people are trapped inside a place, trying to fend off "the bad guys" while being killed in impressive ways, check it out. If you are an asshole who loves the art form of "film making", eat shit and go watch the Science of Sleep.

Fun movie, 4 out of 5 nasty assholes.

Borat

Since the never ending hype machine has finally died down about this movie, I sat with Tommy and The Ogre to watch this the other night. Months and months of shitheads saying its the funniest movie ever, funniest movie of the year, Borat is so funny he cures cancer etc. etc., this movie had a lot of hype. I stepped back and took it in trying to disregard all that trash talk, and wound up enjoying it for what it is.

While its supposed to be documentary style and hidden camera and everything, there is only one scene in the movie that I don't buy at all. When he is on the train trying to kiss everybody, there seemed to be five or six different camera angles of what was going on. How can we believe that a train full of New Yorkers didnt see them and weren't in on that? Other than that one thing, everything else worked for me.

I thought a lot of the jokes were funny, and there was much to do about nothing when it comes to how "controversial" the movie was or how the people were duped into saying "horrible things". Personally, I was expecting a lot worse, especially from the college kids who tried to sue, and thought was they said should be taken for what it is, an opinion on the current life situation in America.

The first hour or so breezed by and had an abundance of chuckles, with a few serious crack up moments for me, but after the naked wrestling match, it lost some of it. The naked wrestling match was pretty disgusting too. The fat guys nuts probably reeked of cabbage dipped in shit sauce. Nasty.

Over all though, I wound up enjoying it and was glad I watched it. I'll give it 3 and a half of the 5 buttholes, but I will give Sacha Baron Cohen credit as he plays the part really good and was entertaining throughout. Good return on some of the set ups for the jokes. The best being the "Not" joke with Pam Anderson.

I do disagree that its the funniest movie ever, and in my opinion it wasnt even the funniest movie of last year as Beerfest and Jackass 2 stand out as funnier for me. Jackass was more shocking too. So if you dont buy into the hype that its the funniest movie since Weekend at Bernies, you will be like me and be pleasantly surprised, and entertained for 80 minutes.

Be sure to watch the special features too. Specifically the Baywatch thing, the supermarket (Tom Green anyone? He is considered a retard for doing this shit and Cohen is a comic genius), and the massage scene. All funny.

Casino Royale

I've never seen such a shitstorm from a fan base as last year when they announced the replacement for Pierce Brosnan in the Bond series. They are as bad as Trekkies and Star Wars geeks when it comes to the passion they have for the movies. Either way, in my opinion it was a bunch of complaining for nothing because Daniel Craig was pretty damn cool as 007.

I am not the biggest Bond fan to begin with, but this movie was very cool. After the opening credits rolls, theres a great 10 minute chase scene incorporating Parkour (the French sport with the fancy running, and jumping), and the thing is awesome. It starts the movie out with a pretty good action sequence that just keeps going, and shows that the new Bond isn't a panty waste.

All the action in the movie was fun to watch, and I wish it just kept going. The whole first 60 minutes of the movie breezed by until Bond is set up with his new bitch to play his wife, where it drags on for 10 or 15 minutes as their relationship is introduced and we see he wants to touch her butt and she's not into it. Then the movie picks back up when Bond enters a highstakes poker game where this creep that cries blood is betting with other peoples investment money.

As boring as I think poker is, and I wish the whole TV show poker phenomenon would finally die down, the card scenes were good to watch. There was enough to them that they werent boring, and the new Bond chick was showing off some mega cleavage which was fine with me.

When I thought the movie was over, it picked back up again and took on another 20 minutes of swerves and action sequences. The final runtime was almost two and a half hours, and I think they could have shortened it a tad, but I am not complaining. I liked the movie and thought it was leagues better than Die Another Day. I think Craig is a smoother, more believable Bond than Brosnan too. Personally, I think he's a punk bitch since he let Mrs. Doubtfire toss a lime off his head and didn't do shit about it.

4 out of 5 sloppy, filthy buttholes. I am actually looking forward to Craigs next turn as Bond to watch him kick the shit out/throw his dick in some more assholes.

Four Brothers

John Singleton directed the revenge story of Four adopted brothers who come back home to Detroit after their mother is killed, and try to find out who was behind it. Marky Mark, Tyrese, Andre 3000 and some other white guy play the four brothers.

I like the revenge movies. Everybody can relate to a story about wanting to get revenge on somebody, for whatever reason. Whether its a dead relative, or somebody poked holes in your condoms, everybody would love to turn into a Charles Bronson vigilante and start granting Death Wishes all around. That said, I liked the movie a lot.

I think Marky Mark has become a pretty good actor, and is genuinely believeable as a tough guy. He's not a faux street thug like Colin Farrell was in Miami Vice, he actually has you believe he doesn't give a shit and would crack your cranium with his bare hands. As a leading man, I am a fan of his and tend to enjoy the movies he is in. The acting from the others was pretty good too. I liked Tyrese as a good comic relief character, always throwing his dick in the hot chick and shit like that.

The action in the movie is pretty good too. There is a pretty good snowy car chase, a building chase looking for some information that is decent, and the Mercer House gun fight is awesome. So many gun shots.

Overall, I think the story, and the action builds up pretty good to the finale, but I think as is the case with lots of movies like this, the pay off fight is secondary to the pay off of the storyline. It wasn't a crappy ending by any means, but I've started to notice in a lot of movies, sometimes the final showdowns are kind of weak.

Overall though, I'd say check it out if you like the revenge flicks, like Marky Mark, and want to see some sweet gun fighting. 4 out of 5 buttholes.

As a side note, Singleton didn't write and direct this one like he's done in the past, and I have to again recommend Boyz N' the Hood because its awesome.

Miami Vice

Movie version of the TV show starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx is everywhere, and I wish he wasn't. Colin Farrell is kind of a boob too. That said, they are the two main characters, Sonny and Rico, and they are on the case trying to work a huge drug bust after an old informant is found out and all hell breaks loose.

After all the negative crap I heard about the movie, I was really expecting a horror show. With Jamie Foxx's first shot at being a tough guy (where he throws the weakest looking hits I've seen in a movie) and Colin Farrell over acting at the beginning, I wasn't sure I would be into the movie. Thankfully, it all turned around after my initial reaction to how bad the two were as the leads.

I wound up liking the movie a lot. Pretty good story, as I think most action movies like this involving drug trades and inside men and who can you trust type shit are generally fun to watch anyways. I bought into it and sat for two hours entertained by what was going on. The gun fight at the end was pretty solid too.

There were some random boob shots, and a sweet ass shot in the shower of Jamie Foxx's biatch. Random boning scenes to show that Sonny and Rico are smooth and suave and all that jazz. Sonny's chick is the Asian broad working for the baddies, which you could see coming from the get go, so if I ruined that for anybody, eat shit.
Good earlier gun fight too when the shit is about to hit the fan near the end.

The visuals were very nice, and I like that Michael Mann is one of the people embracing digital equipment to shoot movies as opposed to being stuck in his ways and using film. The picture is just as good, if not better in some cases, and in some scenes, with how gritty digital can be manipulated to look, it gives you more of a feeling as if you're right there.

I don't think they did enough to glorify the sexy atmosphere of Miami with all the colors, women, and so on like Bad Boys 2 did. I am just being a jerk here though and comparing the two movies, mostly because its a similar storyline as far as the drugs go, it being Miami, and two cops. Bad Boys 2 pulled it off better, and I cared for Will Smith and Martin a lot more than Foxx and Farrell.

Bottom line, I was thoroughly entertained, and disagree with all the bad wrap the movie has taken. Solid story, decent acting, good action, and two hours of not thinking about real life lead me to being a happy viewer.

4 buttholes out of 5. I was going to give it 3 and a half, but while writing this and rehashing, I realize I liked it a bunch.

5 buttholes for Bad Boys 2.

Monster House

The house across the street has a rickety old man in it who goes nuts when kids are on his lawn. When said old man is presumed to have died of a heart attack, the kids try to figure out why it seems like the house is alive and eating people.

The animation in the movie is pretty cool. They look like claymation figures, but they're all just computer animated to look that way. Visually I think the movie is really impressive and cool looking. It is so colorful and nice to look at.

I was dissapointed with the story though. There was plenty of potential to have a creepy cartoon movie for once, but it was eh at best. When it is revealed why the house is alive, it is kind of lame too. I know I am not the key audience they were going for, since I am becoming an old fart and all, but I still think they could have done a better job.

I will keep this one short and say, if you're an animation fan, definately check it out because its a good looking cartoon. If you're an animation fan who also likes good stories (The Incredibles, Toy Story, all the Disney movies pre-Pocahontas), you might be dissapointed with the lack of humor, and lack of a solid, fun story.

3 buttholes out of 5. Didnt love it, but I also didn't hate it. Very middle of the road.

Pulse

If you've seen the Ring, or the Grudge, you've seen Pulse, only on a better scale. Personally, I think the Ring kind of sucked, and I liked the Grudge because it had legitimate creep out factors to it. Pulse is a similar take of dead things making creepy appearances and slowly walking around until they suck out peoples will to live, in turn making all the kids kill themselves.

The movie looks a lot like the Ring and Grudge too with the color schemes and everything. Going for a cold, blue/green color scheme and trying to have the generic creepy visuals, backed with a creepy atmospheric soundtrack in order to creep out the 12 year old girls who they were aiming this at. Even they probably werent creeped out in the slightest.

The girls are pretty hot in the movie, but that didn't help much with the lame ending. I don't even feel like getting into much more aside from maybe this would appeal to kids who haven't seen scary movies yet, or people that scare easily from not so scary ghosts.

I guess I will give it one butthole, because afterall its a legitimate movie, and it looks good. The only movie that doesnt deserve a butthole in my eyes is that piece of shit, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Anybody who liked that movie is a rope smoker for Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, because it sucked sweaty ball sack.

So bottom line, dont watch Pulse or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

300

Obviously, since it seems like everybody has seen it, or is planning to see it. This is based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller, of the story of the 300 Spartans that took on an entire army to defend their land blah blah blah.

The movie was a very stylized, comic book looking movie, which makes sense since thats what its based off. Some of the visuals were pretty cool and interested, and looked like paintings which I think is amazing. Zack Snyder, the guy who directed the remake of Dawn of the Dead directed this, so now his credibility will probably go through the roof since it made a ton of money. I thought Dawn of the Dead was awesome too.

Anyways, the acting was pretty solid, and all the characters were interesting in one way or another. The guy that played Xerxes is apparently on Lost, which I couldn't give two shits about cause how long can a show go on with people stranded on an island? I suppose Gilligans Island lasted a while, so we have to deal with that fat pig with long hair some more until they end that show. Anyways, back to the Xerxes guy, he was a flaming queer. 100 percent, butt fucking homo. If I was a Spartan, I would've spit in his face and defended my land from him too just based on how creepy he was. That's not an anti gay joke either, since so many people are easily offended these days (you can all eat shit).

Anyways, I really liked the battles, although there really is only so much you can do when your main characters only have shields, spears, and occasionally swords. So, blocking, stabbing, and chopping were aplenty.

The bad guys came in waves, like if you play the old Streets of Rage game, or Double Dragon. Wave 1 were the jobbers, the generic street thugs. Then comes the tougher guys with horses, so on and so forth till you get to the deformed super powered monsters, or the samurai masked "ghosts" and shit. As I said, the battles were cool, but I also think the constant slow motion couldve been cut back on. It was cool, but too much of something dulls it down.

My other complaints, the digital blood. There is no way it is more cost efficient to have digital blood laid in afterwards as opposed to hooking pumps up to dummies and spraying corn syrup everywhere. The digital shit also dissapeared instantly and there were no pools of blood on the ground like there would be if they used real liquid. Not only that, digital blood or digital gore effects usually look terrible. Like when Kurrgans character gets a knife in the arm, it just looked weird, and using prosthetics and stage blood would've looked more realistic.

Some of the legitimate "story" parts of the movie were kind of boring too. The Oracle character sucked, as did her ribbon dancing sequence. 3 minutes of unnecessary body movements, and unfulfilling tit shots since she had some teenies to begin with.

The Queen in the movie was pretty hot, and we saw her chocolate chip nipples a couple times too in one random sex scene, and another not so random, but also not so necessary. After the Spartans went off to war, I think that could have been it for back home with the Queen and we could've cut out 20 minutes of blabber and faux emotional crap, and went on with the slaughtering and digital elephants falling off cliffs.

Theres a whole secondary storyline about trying to get other troops sent to battle and save the Spartans, but everybody knows the story that it was just those 300 guys, and...

SPOILER- MAYBE

I think its pretty obvious that the other soldiers wouldnt be sent, so why fake it in the storyline, just to have the Queens big moment.

The king goes off to war, thats that. Heads roll, violence aplenty, and losts of half naked guys with the rippest bodies I've ever seen.

Anyways, it was fun to watch, I liked it, didn't love it. I would recommend it with a three and a half asshole approval.

As for the people who said it was going to be the top money maker this year, you're crazy. Spiderman 3, Pirates 3, and Die Hard 4 are all going to be coming out, and people will be seeing those like crazy. Either way, cool movie, but the digital blood sucks.

The Gridiron Gang

Gridiron Gang is your typical, bad kids do good heartwarming sports movie. It is based on a true story of a group of juvenile kids in lock up, who are allowed to have a football team as a way to overcome their problems and keep out of trouble.

The Rock is the star of the movie, and I thought he was really good. A lot of people don't give him any credit as an actor, mainly because of the pro wrestler image. At this point, considering he hasn't wrestled in years, I think it is time people realize he is an actor now, not a wrestler. A pretty good one too.

The movie opens up and instantly its a violent sequence at the jail, then on the city streets. Considering the movie is PG-13, I was actually surprised at how much of the violence was allowed in the movie to begin with. Drive-bys, lots of gun play, and other violent episodes throughout the movie. One F-bomb in the movie, a bunch of other vulgarities etc. etc. One more F-bomb and it would've been slapped with the R rating, and then they would've lost the target audience.

Anyways, I really liked the movie and totally fell for all the sappy moments, cliches, and heartwarming music they had. Although some shit was sort of cheesy, I still bought it and enjoyed what I was watching. Rock was awesome as the coach and some of the kids were pretty good too. Others, not so much.

The football sequences were pretty cool too and pretty hard hitting. I liked the majority of the game action, although at weird random points throughout the movie, the camera would subtley zoom in and out for no real apparent reason which was kind of annoying. You're not supposed to notice things like that, although it definately seemed intentional.

My only real complaint is the use of the "N" word as it seemed completely un needed where they used it, and the payoff for the use of it was a cheap joke that the urban youth crowd could laugh at. We get that the guy who said it is a villain already, without him using the word. Cheap use and to be honest it felt out of place at the time it came.

Otherwise, I liked it a lot and would recommend it. 4 buttholes out of 5 from me as far as sappy sports movies go.

Mission Impossible 3

I've never seen part 1 or 2, and decided since I know Tom Cruise obviously doesn't get smoked in those, I will watch part 3.

Tom Cruises wife is taken hostage by Philip Seymour Hoffmans character, and he has to secure a specific item in a specific amount of time if he wants to see her alive again.

Yeah. I am really not the best at movie synopsis, because there is more to it than that. Some twists and turns and swerves and generic action movie cliches (like when there is two minutes left on the time deadline to make a phone call, of course the cell phone service shits the bed to add suspense. If an elite agency like the IMF had all this money to do the crazy shit they do, cant they get superb cell phone service so that shit wont happen?)

Anyways, the opening scene is a good opener because it is "real time" hostage/torture sequence, then before the climax, goes to the start of the scenario that got us there.

The acting is pretty good. As much as I think Tom Cruise is a douchebag outside of the movies, he has been solid in everything I've seen him in. My only complaint about him however, is that everytime there is a close up on his face or anything, his eyes look like they're about to ooze tears and he is going to burst out crying. Kind of weird. Phillip Seymour Hoffman (shorten your name asshole) was okay, and was only really impressive in his role when he was screaming. So many people were on his nuts for Capote and talking about how brilliant he is, so I am sure a lot of said people groaned when they found out he wanted to make some money in a popcorn flick like MI:3. He was alright at best, and I didn't take him too seriously as a sinister bad guy capable of evil things. His hair style didn't help the matter, or the calm and collected talking while saying terrible things. Plus his fight scene with Cruise kinda blew until the money shot at the end.

The action in the movie was very good though. They did a good job topping one explosion with a better one. Car chases were good, and the bridge scene was pretty cool too. Overall it looked terrific and there were so many nice exotic locations to look at. If only I had 150 million bucks to make an action movie. I'd make sure to set the movie all over the world so I can see it all up close too.

Laurence Fishburne and Ving Rhames were pretty cool in it, as they usually are in movies. Larry wasn't in it a ton, but was a main focal point of the story. I was totally hooked by the story and sat there for two hours just waiting to see what was going to happen next. This was cool because to be honest, I wasn't really expecting much from this at all, and wasn't really in the mood to watch it from the get go. Maybe that added to it for me and maybe thats why I liked it all the more.

Pretty solid shit, so I will recommend with 4 buttholes and say if you like brainless action movies without a social commentary like me, you will enjoy this one.

My only complaint is the movie could've been spiced up with some better dialogue. There was no stand out lines or anything memorable about what people said really, it was all in the eye candy. I am a big dialogue creep and like good talk.

Coming Soon: Four Brothers, The Grid Iron Gang

The Number 23

Saw this over the weekend, with mixed emotions going in. The whole topic of obsession and OCD type shit is something I can relate to, but that is another story for another blog.

Anyways, brief synopsis. Guys wife buys him a book about a guy obsessed with the Number 23 and how its taking over his life. He is a detective and trying to solve the crime about a woman who is murdered. In real life, said guy thinks its like the author wrote the story about him because of the similarities to his real life. All culminating in an ending to be determined by the reader.

Jim Carrey was pretty good in this in my opinion. I had read stuff about how he was pretty laughable in the movie and can't be taken seriously, but I try to let myself go and take movies giving people a clean slate. It isnt always successful, but more often then not, it works. So like I said, I liked him in it and thought he played his role pretty good.

The story itself, is a combination of real life, and re-enactments taking place from chapters of the book. It takes on a noir style feel with Jim Carrey voicing over as he reads the chapters. Stylistically all of the flashback scenes and real time scenes are pretty nice to look at. Each scene seems to have a color scheme or some other subconscious element to put you right into the mood and it worked.

I think they did an even better job creatively putting number combinations and subtle things like that all over the movie and making it visually interested from the get go. I did however think the movie took a little too long to really get going as the first fifteen or twenty minutes seemed to be a lot longer.

Also from the start, any combination of numbers or letters or even designs in the background I found myself counting to try and find how many 23's I could find** It is impressive to me how many different scenarios the writer came up with to associate with the number. Overall, I think it was well written, and you really felt for Jim Carrey and got into the mind of somebody crippled by obsession.

It gets really good towards the end of the book, but without spoiling anything, I will just say the ending for me, left a little to be desired. In a way I guess it has the Lord of the Rings 3 problem, where it could have ended, but didn't. I think they were trying to give us something different with the ending, and move away from the formulaic "thriller" ending, but this movie might have benefitted from that, instead of turning into an almost religious type deal. Towards the end, there were some undertones about that and I dunno, maybe it is just me but it was sort of like come on.

I would recommend it and I will give it 3 buttholes, leaning more towards 3 and a half than 2 and a half. It was good and I enjoyed watching it. A friend of mine at work said she thought Jim Carrey was pretty good and didnt expect him to come off so "sexy" in his role, so I guess that means he did a pretty good job since his sex appeal image in the flashbacks worked. See it if you have some spare cash, and after the movie, if you're a dork like me, you will look for the number all over the place.

**Similar game for the Departed. I read on Joblo.com (which is THE movie fan site) about how Martin Scorcese intentionally put as many X's into the movie as he could, as it is the sign of impending danger. So if you're bored one night and have the dvd, watch and try to find as many letter X's as you can as they are all over the place.

Squeeze

The movie Squeeze was shot in Dorchester and is loosely based on stories from one of the people at the Dorchester Youth Collaborative. I watched this movie back in '98, two years after it came out and liked it back then, and wanted to rewatch it.

The basic plot is three youths in danger of becoming street thugs, try to find a way out of trouble by getting jobs at the Youth Center. There is a gang of hoodlums causing trouble with them, and after a confrontation with them which led to a robbery, the three kids turn to a rival gang leader for protection and a way to make money. Will they turn their lives around, or become statistics of life on the streets...

For a low budget indie, I'd recommend this as possibly a "poor mans" Boyz N'the Hood. Not to say Boyz was the original movie about life in the hood, but there are similarities between the two.

The acting was pretty good, all things considered. The three leads were just students from DYC and did a good job in their roles. Wasn't blow away, but it could also be a lot worse.

I really like watching and recognizing all the spots around Dorchester and things like that. If you are from Boston and like the Departed for the location recognition, if you are from Dorchester/Fields Corner area, it is pretty cool seeing all of those areas in a movie too.

There are a couple of over the top drug den scenes, and the thugs pulling scare tactics to the kids that come off pretty cheesey. (Instead of taunting the kids who robbed you by singing songs in their face to scare them, why wouldnt they pull up and take care of business right away?)

The movie is shot pretty nicely, with a gritty urban feel they were going for. As cheesey as wipes and transition shots are in movies like Star Wars, they worked really well and were well planned in this movie.

There is some pretty good gun play in it, although it isn't the main focus of the movie. Some of the fist fights could have benefitted from some Foley work so when people are getting stomped or punched, you get the impact of the blow instead of feet ruffling around on the floor.

Overall I'd give it 3 and 1/2 buttholes as far as me being entertained by the movie, and caring about what is going on. If you are from the area, you may have more of a reason to check it out, but if you want the real deal, check out Cuba, Ice Cube, Morris Chestnut, and Laurence Fishburne in Boyz N' the Hood.

True Romance

I got feedback from Tommy, my one known reader of this "fan review" deal I got going here. He understands this is a work in progress, and I don't really know how to review a movie "the real way" so he gave me a little constructive criticism. So I am going to try to shy away from too much movie recap, and more how I liked it and shit like that.

I got True Romance in the mail last week, and just finally got around to watching it. Quentin Tarantino wrote it, and Tony Scott directed. I can honestly say I am not the biggest Tarantino supporter, but I do like his writing. I like most of what I've seen from Tony Scott, specifically Enemy of the State and Man on Fire, and this movie was done five years before EOS.

Anyhow, there is a pretty good ensemble cast of characters, many of which have gone on to obviously larger roles than what they have in this. Brad Pitt, Samuel L. before Pulp Fiction, James Gandolfini and so on all played good minor roles, and have since gone on to be humongous stars, while leading man Christian Slater has dropped off the face of the planet.

The story revolves around a hooker (Patricia Arquette and her juicy juggernauts) who meets up with Clarence (Slater) as a job and winds up falling for him. She tells him her pimp beat her and he takes matters into his own hands and takes vengence for her. Unknowingly, thinking he is taking her belongings, he winds up taking a huge some of cocaine, which of course leads to the shit hitting the fan*** and they have the drug dealers and cops on to them.

The coke obviously belongs to terrible people, and one of those terrible people turns out to be Christopher Walken who has a pretty sweet scene in the movie with Dennis Hopper, but is never to be seen again which was plenty dissapointing.

I think the movie was decent, although for some reason it seemed to drag a little bit. There is plenty of intense violence, blood, gun play, tit shots and for the ladies and guys who like Christian Slater, they get to see his ass too. Pretty good dialogue and good acting all around. It was a nice surprise to see Balkei (Bronson Pinchot) and he has a pretty funny scene when he is pulled over for speeding.

The ending in the hotel reminded me of the ending of Reservoir Dogs on a much grander scale, and it makes sense since Tarantino wrote both. I agree with a friend where the ending is pretty far fetched, but I dont want to get into what specific detail, because it might ruin the ending. If you've seen it and would like to discuss, feel free to leave a comment and give a spoiler alert or what have you. All 1 of you reading this.

I'd recommend the movie to watch if you want to see a violent love story that came out a year before Natural Born Killers, story by who else but Tarantino right? Has some sweet gun action and intense violence as I said already.

I read a user comment on IMDB about this being someones favorite movie of all time because you couldn't see where it was going. While thats a good opinion for her, I disagree and saw a lot of the movie coming and thought parts were pretty predictable. This didnt stop me from enjoying it and wanting to see what happened though.

I'll give this one 3 and a half out of 5 I guess.

Soon enough I will figure out how to structure these, and in a couple of months, people can re-read the first however many and hopefully see how much of a difference there is.

Any feedback is welcome with how I could do these better, or how people would want me to review them without ripping off anybody elses style. For now though, enjoy my shitty take on shitty movies, and LIKE IT JERKS!!

***Watch the movie Airplane for the classic shit hitting the fan scene.

Jet Li's Fearless

I havent seen a ton of Jet Li movies, but the few that I have, I've liked. I think hes pretty good in all of the fighting scenes I've watched, and has a general "coolness" about him. So I decided I'd get Fearless sent to me to see his last martial arts epic. Last until when? Who knows. Maybe he will stick to his guns and never do another, but we will see.

His character in the movie is named Huo Yuanjia, and he is a master of Wushu fighting. The movie opens with him fighting in a tournament, and he easily takes on three people in a row. His next opponent is the best fighter from Japan, and as they are about to come to blows, the movie cuts back 30 years so we see how he got there.

The movie recaps his childhood and why his father doesnt want him to be involved in Wushu fighting. It flashes forward and his father has died, and Huo wants to keep the family namesake alive in the fighting. He has become one of the best and takes on all comers.

His best friend from childhood sees that a lot of the friends and students around Huo, might not have the purest of intentions or motivations for their relationships and he tries to warn him to watch out for himself, or something bad will happen..... Of course something bad happens.

The story gets juicy here, even though its not the most original. It goes from having Huo as the cocky, arrogant, almost bad guy of the movie, to the sympathetic good guy with one turn of events.

He goes out to find himself and leaves the city because of events that have transpired, and he finds redemption for himself before returning years later, and seeing that Westerners have changed his city upon arrival.

The Chinese people are taken advantage of, and are looked at as a weak breed of human being. Huo realizes the problem, and his solution is to get back into fighting, to unite the Chinese people and show everybody that they will not tolerate the abuse. Thus leading to the tournament, and back into present day.

I liked the movie, and thought the fight sequences were great. I am always a fan of a fight that is well choreographed, and the movie actually lets you witness how good it is. Too many american action movies go for the frenetically paced fight scenes where the camera is way too close to the action, and bouncing around so maybe you will see a fist or something recognizable once in a while. Not this movie, you can see everything and it is well shot, and well edited.

All of the locations are visually impressive as well. What I've noticed about movie involving asian culture and stories, is that they all capture how beautiful the landscapes of the countries are, and this is no different. Some of the scenery was very nice. It made the whole feel of the movie calm and relaxing when you see where all the violent fights are taking place.

The director of the movie was Ronny Yu, which surprised me immensely. I had never seen anything he was a part of from China before, and all I've known him from is Bride of Chucky and Freddy vs. Jason, so this was a welcome change for me to see a serious movie he directed as opposed to the Horror Comedies hes done in the past (which I liked both a lot). It was a good change too.

The acting was as good as I could tell, because its all in Chinese and I read subtitles. So for all I actually know, the acting was horrible ya know? Bottom line, I had no complaints about any of the actors, and the blind girl he winds up being friends with later in the movie was appealing to my eyes, which is some sweet irony right there.

I liked the storys climax at the end of the movie, and it really made me get behind Jet Li at the turning point of the movie. The whole western invasion too made me want the Chinese people to come out triumphant, and the ending was a little surprising for me with what happened.

Anyways, I dont want to give away anything huge, but it was a good ending. Then when the credits rolled, I found out that this was based off of real life events. I had no idea. That makes it all the more interesting for me.

Bottom line, it was entertaining, the fights were really good, and it was nice to look at. If you dont like subtitles, dont worry too much, the story is easy enough to follow and they are not a pain in the ass. Plus, when people are speaking English, they are subtitled in English too which I thought was funny.

I would recommend it to anybody who likes martial arts movies. So I guess I'll give it 4 out of 5 assholes on the overall entertainment value for me personally.