Crank 2

Chev is shoveled off the ground and has his heart removed and replaced with an electrical one. He needs to get his heart back. That's it. That's the story. I know the first one the story wasn't huge, but at least he was looking for the people behind it and so on and there was more to it.

Crank 2 is a loud and obnoxious movie. Sure there were parts that entertained me, but as a whole I was pretty disappointed by it. It went from one extreme to the next as far as how loud and frenetic can this be. I think because the cunt joke worked in part one so well, they way over used the word in part 2.

The music. It was kind of obnoxious as points. Too loud, although that's what the movie is. I knew this would be what the movie was, but I guess I was just let down because I was expecting better.

Can't complain about Statham or the hot tits of Amy Smart. They were great and feel like a real couple.

The movie was sprinting from scene to scene as fast as it could, but since it there was nothing to it, it felt like a marathon even though it ran only 85 minutes

movies

I've watched a bunch of movies recently. I am not even going to get into them. Majority of them were pretty good. Standout was Sex Drive as a nice raunchy sexy comedy. It was really surprising to me as I didnt really expect it to be so good.

I jut don't really have much time to be doing bad reviews anymore. Been busy doing my own crap, finished the movie, and want to start writing more important things... Like more movies and my TV pilot finally!

So I will leave this active for a bit, then in a month or whenever I feel like it, I will let it disappear into "bolivion" (Mike Tyson reference in respect to his daughter)

See ya!

The Day The Earth Stood Still

Keanu is an alien sent to earth to frighten everybody by wearing a suit and quiet talking.

An impending alien invasion has people scared shitless and scrambling. Of course the US looks like a bunch of ignorant assholes who police the entire universe by making threats that they are the United States and this is our planet. Shut up. The whole planetary policing shit and wondering what people will do if there ever were alien invaders is a mind boggling thought to me. As a matter of fact, in the past month I have been as freaked out and confused as a person can get regarding the entire universe, planets, space and all that. It really makes no sense to me at all, and I realize exactly how insignificant people are in the grand scheme of things. Thats another philosophical blog for another day though.

Back to the movie.

If you've seen the happening, you have a general clue as to what is exactly "happening" in this. Damn ignorant people not knowing how to take care of the planet. It kept me entertained, but overall it is pretty lame. Eat my ass

Quantum of Solace

Daniel Craigs second go round as 007 was entertaining but not the total package like the last one. Still leagues better than most of the other cartoony ones with terrible puns and lame acting. Sorry Pierce Brosnan and Halle Berry, you guys sucked.

Craig and the new version of James Bond is much more intense. He is vicious and more believable as an agent/assassin. The action is a lot more realistic too. Just the story wasn't as good as casino royale. He still bangs hot chicks though which is always good.

The Pineapple Express

Sucks.

Not because of my hatred towards everything Apatow, but stoner "comedies" do nothing for me. This one especially as I think I laughed at about two things. Those things had nothing to do with pot, nothing to do with the main characters, as it was Danny McBride who was the most entertaining part of the movie.

The story is what it is. Pot head witnesses a murder, goes on the run. The action part at the end was pretty good. But all the jokes, all the whole friendship shit, it was lame and boring. As is usually the case with an Apatow production, it is longer than it should be, and it feels it. One thing about the whole friendship deal, it was just like Superbad too, also written by Rogen and his pal Evan whatever his jewish last name is. (of course theres mention of Rogen being Jewish in it too. Guys we get it)

Overall, lame. Dont get it. Dont get the hype. Miss actually funny comedies and not this lame ass shit

Quarantine

This is similar to the Diary of the Dead, but its a news reporter documenting a night with the fire department. There is a call to a building, and some old bitch is going crazy. All hell breaks loose as she starts attacking people, thus transforming them into monsters.

They arent zombies, they are actually infected with rabies, which is what causes the quarantine of the building.

This was surprisingly good for being in the Blair Witch/Cloverfield way of movies. It was crazy to think that this could really happen, and they wouldn't give a shit if you're the pope, if you're quarantined due to disease, you're fucked. It wasn't a generic jump out scare, but more a wow this could happen type deal.

It was cool though. Good gore, good stuff. I liked it.

Fast and Furious

Quick.

If you liked the first one, you'll love this installment. All the originals are back, and this is supposed to take place a little after the first movie, as one of the Tokyo Drift characters is in it, before heading to Tokyo.

Good action, hot chicks, etc. etc. Vin Diesel is portrayed as a beast in it on a mission for revenge. The story is deeper than any of the previous ones, although its not the craziest deal out there. A movie like this, doesnt need it though. Thats why I like it. Highly recommend if you like brainless fun and cool car scenes

Death Race

Finally got around to watching this. Statham is in it, oooooh! Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (or Millas fuck buddy/Resident Evil director). This was a lot of fun.

Jason Statham is framed for the murder of his wife, for the sole purpose of being brought into prison to take part in the Death Race, which is exactly what it sounds like. Lots of crazy shit happens. There are awesome car chases and races, good fist fights, lots of gunfire, lots of bad language etc.

I don't really need to get into specifics of why it was fun, but if you like movies with bodies and cars exploding, blood, guts, fighting etc, you will have a great time with this. So many car flips while on fire too.

Wish I saw it in the theater for the full atmospheric excperience, but it was still pretty damn fun.

The Haunting in Connecticut

Kid has cancer. His family decides to get another place near the hospital in CT to avoid the huge commute back and forth as he is going through chemo. Of course the fucking mother has to pick the creepiest house that used to be an old funeral home right? What caring parent wouldn't freak the shit out of her kids by telling them dead people used to be chopped up in the basement.

Lots of creepy shit happens in the house. Some of it was genuinely creepy. Especially the eyelid shit. My issue with this, and the last haunted house/room movie I saw, is they drag it out for so god damn long. The movie (which I just looked up) is 92 minutes long.... It was a LOOOOONG 92 minutes. I thought it was at least two hours. Like 1408 from a couple summers ago, its just drags and drags. We get it, the fucking house is haunted. Explain why already and progress the story. This could have been a nice made for TV horror on demand that is a 60 minute creepy show to watch.

There were some out of nowhere plot twists too, as in the middle of the movie, all of a sudden it comes back to the forefront that the dad used to be a raging alcoholic. Okay. Great. Just so they could have a scene of him freaking out and scaring the family I guess.

There were definately some creepy things in it. All the dead bodies that turn up wound up being cool. The religious undertones though were like WTF? Is this the Happening only regarding ghosts?

Wait for the DVD, or even better, cable.

Friday the 13th

Let me say that any and all emotions and sympathy I will ever have to characters in movies is thrown out the window based on the people cast in the roles. In this movie, there are 8 that I felt sympathy for or cared about and four of them were individual tits.

Put it this way, anybody in the movie with shaggy looking curly hair, like a heart throb from abercrombie (EVERY fucking dude in the movie), I hope gets killed in a brutal way as soon as I see them. That left two dudes to not mind, and they were an Asian and a black dude who wound up fitting every cliché imaginable anyways.

So all you characters that look like you belong in the partridge family, a hip and cool rock band, or next to Seth Rogen and his "awesome" Jew fro, I enjoyed watching you die.

The movie itself had some fat fake tits flopping around. Generic characters that have to fill the same roles that every modern horror or comedy has like why is it everyone is a pothead? Whatever. I will stop ranting about how I hated everybody in the movie.

Jason himself was pretty good. I'm not a diehard by any means so it doesn't upset me that whoever plays Jason is an anonymous person behind a mask each time. So Kane Hodder and all your fans can keep whining, cause if your a big guy you too can be a masked murderer in the next Friday the 13th. Seriously you can't tell the difference anyways. Jason was as badass as ever. He was brutal and honestly I loved the fact that he was more intense and runnin around.

The story is pretty non existent. Teenagers go camping. A girl goes missing. More teenagers go camping and one looks for his sister. Jason watches tits bounce around and practices his archery. That's that. But who watches slashers for the story anyway?

As for the whole remake and reimagining obsession for movies, I don't have a problem with it like some people. It doesn't ruin the original movie younalready know. Sometimes a movie could use an update for a new generation as the classics have pretty low production value, horrible music and effects and so forth so why not do it again. Sometimes it works like the new Texas Chainsaw. I loved that and hatednthe original. Sometimes it's entertaining but the original wins out like Halloween (really Rob Zombie, does every character in your movies need to be disgusting white trash whores?) but overall they are there for a newer crowd who may not be as frightened by the originals ecause by this point in time we've seen a lot crazier stuff in our movies.

So if you like these movies you'll like this as it is what it is.

Coraline

3D stop motion animation brought back to the big screen by the guy who made it famous. No, not you Tim Burton, but the actual director Henry Selick who was given the Nightmare Before Christmas to direct and actually did all the hard work on it yet gets no recognition for it. Reminds meof how we could see Quentin Tarantino presents: Weekend at Bernies and he'd get all the notoriety for the movie by doing very little on the movie.

Whatever.

This was slickly animated and visually stunning. Seriously. The characters are all creepy little shits as the story is about a family moving into an old creepy house and the weird happenings taking place behind a secret door in the wall.

If I was a young kid watching this, I'd have probably fudged my undies as it is a pretty creepy story and there are creepy characters with buttons sewn on as eyes and stuff like that. I'm not though but was still genuinely creeped out about some of that crap. The villain is a nasty bitch, but man was she good.

The movie kind of moves slowly at points so of seemed to drag which usually isn't good, but maybe it fit with the slow moving, loner situation Coraline is in. Not sure. If they trimmed ten minutes or so somewhere in the middle it'd be a welcome cut, but overall I can't complain. The animation is slick and interesting and the story is creepy and original. I recommend it if you like cartoons, especially ones that aren't solely for little kids.

Eagle Eye

I had a nice long review of this but it got erased. So short and sweet, Even Stevens is set up for being a terrorist so the FBI is hot on his tail. Another person is in the same boat, Michelle Moynahan and her sweet ass. As the story progresses and we see more of the surveillance and government secrets it became obvious what was going on. Did it ruin it for me? Not at all as there were still plenty of cool action scenes and Billy Bob Thornton being an FBI agent which is entertaining on it's own. I'd say check it out if you're into government conspiracies and the fear that humans are in trouble. If you like I Robot you'll probably like this

Taken

Liam Neeson stars as an ex "preventer" who's daughter heads to Paris and is kidnapped with her friend by some dirty Albanian scumbags. He heads out of retirement and puts a serious hurt on anyone standing in his way. I do mean anyone. I'm talking about you innocent housewife!!

Luc Besson who wrote The Professional and two of the Transporters and a bunch of other shit wrote this. The more I see of stuff he came up with the more I'm inclined to say oh he wrote this so I'm sure it'll be full of highly entertaining, over the top, balls out action and a story about hookers or human trafficking. Sold.

This starts out letting us know who the characters are. As soon as the movie heads to Paris, all bets are off. He shows up and pretty much turns into Jason Statham in the Transporter. Only thing is he's like thirty years older and the only thing being transported by him are fucking beatings for all these foreign ass perverts. He lays the beat downs like a hard ass and it was thoroughly enjoyable to watch. For a PG-13 rating, I'm surprised at how much gun play, killings an half naked bitches were in here. Really if there were a couple of accented fucks in there and a few titties, this would be one of the best brainless actioners I've seen in a bit.

Everyone behind this knew how to start the engine and keep things going at break neck speeds. There's no dumb shit to this movie as any fat has been trimmed and we are served up to a big plate of awesome.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Only movie I've ever wanted to leave during. I like the guy that wrote it, but this was complete horse shit. Johnny Depp, great job as Dr. Evil Wonka.

Worst movie ever

Captivity

I may have already reviewed this, I don't remember.

Anyhow I saw the DVD laying around and it reminded me of this:

IT'S SO SHITTY!!

The Notebook

Sat down with my lady to watch every girls favorite movie last night. I expected some cheesy fairy tale shit but it turned out to be thoroughly enjoyable. It's about two sweethearts seperated after a summer of love, only to somehow be reunited down the line. There's plenty more to the story, most of which I figured out right away, but it didn't take away my enjoyment of the flick at all. It had humor, romance, and a shitload of dialogue that sounded like a legitimate scenario I was involved in last summer.

Yes I cried. Any dude that watches with his bitch and doesn't cry, you're a fucking creep

Underworld 3

Prequel to the Vampire vs. Werewolf series that had Kate Beckinsale running around in painted on sexy outfits. In her place is the equally attractive if not slightly sexier Rhona Mitre.

She plays a death dealer, no surprise, in love with Lucian (a Lycan hybrid who protects their turf from his other werewolf comrades). When their affair is brought to the attention to her father Victor (the creepy old fuck with crazy eyes) he shits and has Lucian whipped and tossed in Jail with a bunch of other rejects. Sonja (Rhona) makes a deal to help him escape and their love fest begins the all out war between vampires and werewolves.

It looks and feels exactly like the other two. Filled with blue color, cool fights, sexy bitch and creepy old guy looking creepy. If you liked the first two it won't disappoint. If you didn't it won't change your mind. I enjoyed it thoroughly and enjoy Rhona Mitre as the replacement for Selene. They're both babes that wanna blow me.

If you haven't seen the three, as this is a prequel you should just see the newest one first followed by one and two.

Max Payne

Mark Wahlberg is a pretty decent choice to play pain. I'm obsessed with the video game yet I honestly can't pick someone I'd want as Payne. So Wahlberg is good enough for me.

This is a flick starting towards the end and rewinding to the beginning. We see Max under water as he is left for dead for whatever reason we haven't seen yet.

One of those hard edged cop movies where Paynes wife and newborn were murdered so he literally is looking for a case that will get him killed. He's got no reason to live.

While looking for information this hot Russian bitch gets murdered, and Max becomes a suspect because they found his wallet at the scene. Damn bitches and their sticky fingers.

Max is a marked man with the cops AND a group of bad Russians, most specifically Mona Sax played by the way hot and not noticed enough Mila Kunis. What a babe. When Max gets a lead on who murdered the Bitch (who's Monas sister) he saves his own ass from getting his head shot to shit and needs her help finding those responsible.

The murder of her sister and Maxs family are related so the shit hits the fan looking for the answers.

As far as the movie goes it looks real nice. Has the hard edged look and gritty feel of a snowy New York. It started off a little eeeh for me, but soon enough things picked up and I was engulfed.

As far as a translation from the video game goes, they do a pretty decent job sticking to things originating in the game. Some things I didn't care for, some characters weren't used to the fullest etc. It's much better than most video game translations. There were parts I wish were in it (like the bank robbery, skinny Vinnie Gognitti running from Payne), but overall it was cool. Not a barn burner but it was cool.

The game had plenty of shootouts, more junkies and twists and turns and it actually took place in one night. This took place over a few days.

If you like the game it's cool enough. If your never played the game the story might interest you as a stand alone new idea. Not enough bullet time for a game that needed it, but the whole effect has been beaten to death so it's all good.

Open ended for a possible sequel which I'd see. The ending credits were awesome and they left all credits till the end which I like (ahem Lawson ahem coming soon)

Bangkok Dangerous

Nicolas Cage has terrible hair in this. Apparently they combined his regular three hairs with doll hair to get this unique and creepy look. He's a hit man headed to Bangkok to pull off four connected jobs before he retires.

The preview made it look a little different. The movie goes at a lumbering pace for the first hour or so. Here are a few alright occurances in that time, but I was expecting more hit man action and less Mr. Myagi action from dollhair. Along the way Cage falls for a deaf Asian pharmacist and makes rude obscene sign language gestures to her.

The ending picks up as Cage is found out for his final job and needs to run for his life making his trip to Bangkok...... Dangerous!

Mirrors

Jack Bauer is an ex cop suffering through psychological issues relating to a shooting. He's trying to get his life together and gets a job as a security guard for an old burned down property. Inside the place is a ton of mirrors and a ton of freaky shit happens to him.

This is your standard ghost story type deal, although it's presented a little differently. Lots of gory events take place because of the mirrors and some freaky shit makes jack bauer crazy. He starts investigated everything that has happened, and inside the building to see what is REALLY taking place.

Some stuff was gross. Amy Smarts ass wasn't. Hahaaaa. I've seen movies like this before so things weren't so shocking. The ending came off as eh to me. But then something else happened which made it a little cooler and saved it from being your standard ghost sort ending.

It was decent. Better than a lot of stuff I've seen in a similar vein.

My Bloody Valentine 3D

The excitement of the 3D gimmick was out in full force. This was an all out extravaganza. The theatre was packed and when they told us to put on the glasses everyone was pumped.

The first few minutes were tough as my eyes were adjusting to everything. Gave us a nice idea of what to expect through news clippings and things regarding the psycho miner on a killing spree.

He escapes from the hospital in an awesomely gory way and heads home to his mine. Young teenagers partying and heads rolling made this thing start off with a bang. They took full advantage of things flying at the screen early and people were loving it.

As things flash forward to ten years after the mining massacre, things REALLY slowed down an to be honest, they shouldve had us take off the glasses until things picked up again.

The mine is gonna be sold and the seller is a kid who survived the earlier attacks. He comes back after ten years and is being blamed for everything wrong with the town.

Things picked up again when the miner wreaks havoc on the town again. Best part was the motel with the 3D tits. Highly entertaining part of the movie.

Other shit happens and about halfway through the movie they decided to turn on a directors commentary so we know what's going on....... Oh wait, it was the obnoxious fat pig gangster girls behind us that wouldn't shut the fuck up and had the entire theatre playing a guessing game of what's to come with them. Fucking bitches. No wonder people get shot in theatre or not being quiet.

Anyhow the 3D came back and was exciting again (it never left just was worthwhile again). People were into the cat and mouse game and who dunnit atmosphere of the movie.

The ending "swerve" was kinda weak but it didn't take away from the fun of the movie. Was is the greatest horror movie I've seen? No. In recent memory yes. They actually put out a solid rated R flick with tons of gore, could language and 3D tits and beaver. Overall a lot of fun minus the cunts behind us.

3D movies are a nice gimmick making a comeback. Honestly they need shit like this to get people interested in going to the theatres to not watch dog hotel.

The place was a mobscene as well because there were a bunch of idiot 15 year old kids there that decided it was absolutely necessary to be obnoxious, run around, and fill the theatre to watch Notorious. I'm glad people want to support the movie and whatever, that's fine and good. Don't be fucking loud assholes for everybody else not seeing it

Notorious

He dies at the end.

No I didn't see it either.

Postal

This is another videogame adaptaion by videogame movie director Uwe Boll. Boll is widely criticized by every "smart" movie fan and critic on a world wide level. No matter what he does, be it the unwatchably shitty House of the Dead (how do you fuck that up?), or even if he was behind a masterpiece like Citizen Kane, the guy would never ever get any good press.

Postal is based on the game of the same name. The movie has Scott Farkus from A Christmas Story as the main character, and his life is falling to shit. He meets up with his uncle (Dave Foley) and they have a plan to hijack the popular Krotchie Dolls to sell and pay off the IRS. The only problem is the Taliban are also trying to hijack the dolls as inside them containers of the bird flu. It turns into Farkus needed to save the day and all hell breaks loose.

Was this good? Eh. I'm indifferent regarding the movie as a whole. A lot of the acting is beyond terrible. Especially by Foleys right hand man in it. He is some fat tub who is annoying as diarrhea. Dave Foley was good, and his dick made a cameo in the movie which was way unexpected. Not even just a peek either, that thing was just chillin for a minute after he was banging some fine ass naked chicks.

The story is pretty stupid and the main reason for it all is to show a bunch of stereotypical characters and have some shocking shit go down. Some stuff cracked me up (Arab guy playinng DDR in the background, the kids getting blown away, the Asian bitch at the green light.)

Some stuff was stupid as hell but I think my favorite part is when Boll himself makes an appearence in the movie. He is being interviewed about the dolls, and then the creator of the video game comes out and starts yelling at him for screwing his game up. Bolls response in broken german English made me laugh pretty hard for some reason as he's screaming at the guy "vut de fucks wrong vith you!? Dis movie is great!"

To someone else maybe it's not funny. I cracked up. At least the guy has a sense of humor regarding the worldwide hatred for him. Gotta give him credit though, after putting out movie after movie that give him horrifying reviews, he is still able to get funding and put out movies costing upwards of 20 million bucks.

Personally I am indifferent to the guy. He puts out stuff that is entertaining in their own right, but obviously aren't classics. On the other hand, you have a guy like George Lucas who hasn't put anything good out since 1983 but he's still a god to a bunch of small dick geeks. Did they see the new star wars trilogy? Or even kingdom of the crystal skull? He can do no wrong but like I said, Uwe Boll could put out the greatest movie ever made and because of who he is, it'd be panned ala Michael Bay.

Okay at best. Ran too long but some stuff made me laugh

Gran Torino

A young Hmong boy is being recruited into a gang of hoodlums. He is caught in the act during his initiation and his life turns to a different course when he befriends his angry neighbor.

Clint Eastwood is a bitter racist old man. You can tell he misses the days of old when the neighborhood is more colorful and diverse than back in his hayday.

Pretty much every Asian racial term is spilled from Dirty Harrys mouth by the first half hour. I love it because old wrinkly men (any race) can pretty much do and say whatever the hell they want with the excuse being they're old and senile.

Pretty much everything he says in the movie is pure gold. He's a dangerous angry old bastard and if I encountered him I don't know if I'd crack up or shit my pants because an old fart called me a pussy and wanted to fight.

I don't want to get into crazy details as to the events that take place, but I was interested the whole time through and wanted I see what was going to happen with the gang bangers and Dirty Harry.

Just know I highly recommend it.

Also, it's probably a coincidence or something but his name is the movie is Walter Kowalski. Wrestling fans know that name as Walter "Killer" Kowalski.

The Mummy 3

Encino Man returns for a third go round, this time in China after his son digs up a bunch of statues of Chinese warriors, who we know as Jet Li and his posse.

Encino Mans wife, Rachel Weisz didn't come back for this one which initially bugged me since I hate when people don't come back, but literally I got past it right away as the replacement was fine with the same accent.

The son is more or less the focal point as he's a college drop out and trouble maker but this big dig he's found is going to hopefully be his big break. Of course that's not the case when the whole thing was a set up by a Chinese army so they could raise the Emperor and take over the world.

Twenty minutes in the action really starts and seriously seemed like it was non stop. It kept me entertained throughout and I like the whole Chinese landscape deal and scenery. It was racist though because during a car chase there was gun fire and apparently everywhere a bullet would hit in china there was a friggin fireworks factory.

The little Asian hottie in it was a little Asian hottie. And her witch mother was an older Asian hottie. The son did nothing for me. Evies brother returned as the comic relief again and he was good. Especially when his ass was on fire and he screamed to spank his ass. Also this part on an air plane involving an air sick cow.

It wasn't as complete as the first two as those movies were a lot of fun, but this wasn't the horrible stinker I'd heard about. It was still fun to watch.

Better than another archeological expedition that came out recently with a son taking charge. Yeah I'm talking about YOU Indiana Jones and the curse of a modern day George Lucas production.

8mm

Some rich cunts husband dies and inside his super secret vault is a spool of 8mm film. The contents on the film look to be a snuff film with some chick getting horrendously hacked up for BBQ. Said rich cunt wants to be at ease knowing it's a phony so she hires super surveillance king Nicolas Cage to find out the origins of the movie.

There's one part in this that is still bugging the shit out of me a couple days after watching it. Either Nic Cage has never held a baby before or the screenwriter is so out of touch with modern care of an infant. It's this part where his baby, creepily named Cinderella, is crying so surveillance man heads in to the room and picks her up while saying "there there". Does anyone actually say that to calm there kids? His delivery is so half asses and the line itself is so shitty. Whatever.

What happens next takes Johnny Cage on a rollercoaster ride of fake identities, trips into re seedy porn underworld, and an obsession trying to find out who the girl is, and whether the movie is fake or not.

Along the way he befriends a pre oscar calibur actor named joaquin phoenix, who plays a dirty smut peddler and helps Ghost Rider get leads on the movie. A young, much skinner, and still sounding like a fat mafioso James Gandolfini as a porn director. Before he was Tony Soprano did anyone give a shit about him? Bottom line he was one of the bright point as his part was great.

Overall I was engaged and interested in the who what and why of the whole deal. I was entertained throughout and don't know why people said it sucked. It isn't the greatest thriller I've seen, but Nicolas Cage getting angry and screaming fuck is a welcome sight.