SAW!!! ALL OF THEM!

Where do I begin? Let's start with a quick review/roundup of the first four in the series.

SAW: I anticipated this movie for a few month before it came out. I had followed it closely from all the new briefings and cool things I had heard from joblo.com back in 04, and man did it deliver.

Went into the movie pretty amped. It was being billed as a horror movie, and I think that's one thing that has actually hurt the series. While there are horrific events that take place in the movie, there is no clear cut slasher, no jump out scares or anything. It is more of a crime caper and a big who dunnit type of ordeal.

The entire premise of the movie is there is a "serial killer" on the loose, who cuts puzzle pieces of flesh from his victims. As it is discovered however, the victims are put into horrifying situations with a chance to redeem themselves from some of the terrible things they have done in the past. These people don't appreciate life, and Jigsaw has them decide whether they will live or die by putting them into these scenarios. When they fail, they are missing the piece of the puzzle to live their lives, hence the puzzle piece being cut out.

Two guys awaken in a nasty bathroom, chained by their ankles with a dead body in between them. They find tape recorders that give them rules to follow if they want to live. As they are finding out about each other, there are flashbacks, and cops on the hunt for Jigsaw. As I said, this is more of a detective thriller than anything else. Along the way there are some grotesque crime scenes, but half of the gore is insinuated and we see the after math for the most part.

For a movie that cost so little (1.4 million) they did a really good job of creating a solid atmosphere, picking up some half decent actors (Danny Glover, Carey Elwes), and a solid writer/director team of new comers Leigh Whannel and James Wan.

The movie has me stuck to my seat and the ending literally blew me away, as well as everyone else watching I am sure. The whole thing was set up beautifully, and when everything is tied together and revealed, it is so smart, and so well thought out I had no complaints. Of course as you look back you can nitpick here and there, but thats just semantics. Even so, any questions I had going forward, were addressed shortly.

SAW II

After Saw blew my nuts off, they announced a sequel. Sign me up and tell me where to watch. This time, the cops are hot on the trail of one Mr. John Kramer or Jigsaw as they call him. Saw has kidnapped a detective (Donnie New Kid Wahlberg) and has thrown his ass into an abandoned house. Inside the house there is a crew of theives, junkies, and general pieces of shit locked in there with him. They all have a specific time limit to get out of the house before a dealy nerve agent is released into the house.

This movie upped the ante on gore, on action, and on the entire entertainment aspect from the first. While part 1 had me glued to the story, part two lets you sit back and watch these sad cases go through the motions. We know why things are happening, so less talky, more killy.

Not to say there isn't a story to be had. On the contrary. This time we get to know Jigsaw on a more personal basis. He even goes so far as to explain why he does this shit, and why he's such a sick bastard. Being that he's a dying cancer patient, what the hell does he care? The difference between him and other old dying people is that he gives them a chance to live if they follow the rules. These people should feel lucky that he's not one of those maniac senior citizens who decide they're going to drive through shopping malls and front windows of stores to wipe out as many innocent people as they can before they go out in a blaze of glory. At least Jigsaw is a polite old man who gives directions.

As I said, this one is more graphic and more blood can be seen, but still, this isn't a horror movie. As it goes on, the story reveals more, the criminals inside the house reveal more, and it goes back into the whole, oh wow this is smart and well pieced together. Like a Jigsaw puzzle! HA!

All the way up to the twist ending, I was captivated. Yet again Saw blew my socks off and made me cream my jeans. More so this time than the first time. This one had more to talk about at the end too, like, "hey, would you be able to cut your eyeball out to stay alive?"

Still can't answer that one.

SAW III

Okay, I could see the sequel coming after part 2. Obviously the series is a full blown cash cow by this point. The first 2 cost a combined 5 million bucks to make and wind up making a measily 140 million dollars in the US theatres alone!! Jesus! No wonder they announced they signed a deal to produce a new Saw movie every Halloween until the year 3008. Don't even include DVD sales, which were probably also astronomical, and this is just unbelievable. So after making roughly 135 million in profit after the first 2, they decide to up the budget to a whopping 10 million for part 3.

I don't know what happened but 3 actually looks a little cheaper to me than the first 2. I guess Tobin Bell decided hey, if you want my sexy fucking voice, my sweet white hair, and me lying in a bathrobe dying for an entire movie, I want the new budget to go to me. One thing I do know if they didn't go out and get a good casting director for this one.

My biggest complaint for the entire series now comes up as some of the people that start showing up in the movies were piss poor casting decisions.

The people returning from 1 and 2 are fine. I enjoy them immensely. The main character for this one? What the fuck? There is a down on his life father who is depressed and wants vengeance because his daughter was killed, and the killer got off for manslaughter as it was deemed an accident. Jigsaw is teaching this suicidal asshole a lesson by letting him decide the fate of a few people involved with the accident. The story gets a little hokey for me here mainly because with what is going on with Jigsaw dying on a bed, with his apprentice learning from him, and holding a bitch hostage with six shotgun barrels mounted to a collar around her head, the vengeful father doesn't do a thing to catch my attention.

There is nothing to make me sympathize with the guy. Maybe I am turning into an asshole movie viewer, but appearance is starting to matter to me on this front. They got this greasy, slob, out of shape guy who seems like a wife beater, child neglecting, booze drinking asshole. He seems like a guy I should be rooting AGAINST in this movie, not rooting for. I honestly believe it has a lot to do with the guy they got. I just didn't care about him.

So him walking through the booby traps trying to save people gets lame fast. Not only that, the traps seemed a little weaker here too. Maybe the way it is set up, where he needs to help people as opposed to help himself takes the whole idea and throws it in a new direction which doesnt really work for me.

I am watching CSI Miami while I am writing this, and one of the chicks on it has perfect tits.

The whole movie to me, is what is taking place with Jigsaw. The guy has a brain tumor the size of an elephants nut bag. He needs emergency surgery or he is going to die like his test subjects. The girl they have in captivity of course is a surgeon, which is why she is there, so there is a great brain surgery scene in the movie. All the happenings with the cops finding victims, with Jigsaw near death, and with Amanda taking things in the wrong direction are so interesting, they could cut the movie in half and get rid of wife beater dad.

All this of course leads up to the ending. They all lead up to the damn ending amd the sweet ass Charlie Clouser music. This time, the ending throws a real curve at you, because where can they go from here? How is this going to continue? Who will continue on Jigsaws legacy? Will the casting director please get fired?

All in all, 3 was enjoyable for the swerve ending of course, for anything with Jigsaw on the screen, the flashbacks to 1 and 2, and pretty much everything not involving the wife beater dad and his scenarios to go through. He sucked. Make sure part 4 has someone I can like and relate to as the good guy.

SAW IV

Alright, the SWAT Team Member from the rest of the movies, the cool black guy Rigg is taking over as main guy. After Carrie, the detective and hot chick who flaunts her tits in Starship Troopers gets her tits ripped apart in three, he is on a mission to find who did it. Obviously Jigsaw. The only problem is, Jigsaw is dead. WHOOPS! Did I spoil that for my two readers?

Yeah, hes dead. His throat was slashed in three, and this has a sweet ass autopsy on his body where they obviously find another tape in his stomach to continue the games. How cool is this shit? So far so good.

Oh wait. Who the hell is this? Some asshole with a jew fro and his lips sewn together. Eh. I don't care about him at all and hope big guy with his eyes sewn shut kills him. Nope. Jew fro wins, but why?

Later it is revealed that jew fro guy is Jigsaws lawyer. Good casting because you're supposed to hate lawyers right? Bad casting because I don't hate that he's a lawyer. Joe Pesci was a lawyer in My Cousin Vinny, and he was pretty loveable. This guy could be the nice guy that passes out millions of dollars to the needy, but I don't like him because he looks like an asshole. Any white guys who have curly hair, should cut it short and leave it that way. Otherwise you look like the Jonas Brothers or Eugene Levy from Splah, and EVERYBODY hated him in that movie!

So, the story goes on, and Rigg is in hot pursuit, playing his own game. As with the others, they are showing more and more gore. I mean in sequels you have to right? Scalp getting ripped from a head. Some lard ass rapist getting his eyes gouged out and his body ripped apart. These are back to being COOL traps! Actually you know what? I am digging this! Who the hell IS behind all this Jigsaw madness now they he and Amanda are dead?

No! The Jew fro guy? His lawyer? You gotta be shitting me! Rigg winds up at the end of his game, there is Donnie, making a nice bearded return since we last saw him at the start of 3, being held captive along with one of the unimportant background detectives on the case till this point in the series. Then he sees Jew fro lawyer sitting at the desk with the monitors watching the madness take place and I am furious! What a terrible Jigsaw replacement! What follows is an awesome head explosion, a head scratcher of an ending and a "what significance does this asshole have to John Kramer, and why should HE get to carry the torch!?" I agree with Tommy when he said it should've been Dr. Gordon himself, Carry Elwes making a surprise run in from part 1 with one foot and being Jigsaw now. Nope. I hope part five is better than this. The ending left a really sour taste in my mouth for some reason. Is this it? Is the SAW franchise starting to fail me since Leigh Whannel and James Wan are only producers and are pretty hands off on the franchise they created? We will see.

SAW V

Alright. A year has passed, I have watched part 4 since my first viewing on opening night. I enjoyed it a lot more the second time around as I was able to go back and see the writing on the wall and see what was going on, knowing the ending. Things are still shady to me in the Saw world, but the flashbacks in 4, of course all revolving around Jigsaws origins were badass, and the movie is cool.

Part 5 goes back to the earlier incarnations where like part 2, there is a group needing to survive together, all the while we are back to the formula of part 1 with the detective thriller making a serious return. This time Agent Strahm from part 4 is a survivor of NEW SAW and is finding more and more evidence as to who is behind all this shit now. Back and forth it goes from him to the crew of pieces of shit going at it in a game or survival.

This time they got a bunch of people I actually enjoyed. They played some swerves on me too as I was expecting specific people to get smoked and shit, and they didn't do it. One thing that was also exciting to me was the return of the disgusting scenarios of, man would you be able to do that? It didn't totally disappear in the others, but this one has one especially that was like, oh shit. The blood donor one if you've seen it.

Thankfully, the origins of new Jigsaw are revealed. All loose ends literally from all of the movies are tied up, and it is a good deal of cat and mouse, double crossing and all this shit. I was back into my vested interest mode of the Saw series. They're back! They didn't lose it! The rumors were true from two years prior when they announced they were in development for the next hundred sequels. They really DID have a whole story that would criss cross through the next couple movies. This is the proof in the pudding because the whole story intertwines and makes complete sense.

All my questions of why this shit happened in 3, or where did that come from in 4, all explained! Next time, I think you should put a disclaimer at the end of the movie SAW. Like when Back to the Future 2 had the To Be Concluded at the end of it to let us know that everything will be settled next movie. Only if you guys did that at the end of 4 and delivered this, it would've been a much more satisfying payoff than that terrible western love story.

So as you can tell, it all worked out in the end. My prayers were answered. They really did care about my opinion. They probably got a new casting director as there were no douchebags in it. They even went back and explained some planted evidence from back in part 1 which was awesome. We even got to see Danny Glovers picture, Donnie's picture, and so on and so forth. It was cool.

As unrealistic as some of the things are in it as well, it is still awesome anyhow. I loved part 5. Saw is back in action!

The Bank Job

This is based on a true story about a bank robbery that took place in London in the early 70's. It stars the coolest actor out there, Jason Statham, Saffron Burrows as the hot accomplice/mastermind, and a bunch of topless/bottomless chicks, and dudes speaking thick English.

I am a big fan of heist movies. I think they're great. They are usually all the same and run on the same formula and all, but watching the set up and the actual robbery take place is always entertaining for me. In this movie, Transporter and his crew are duped into robbing a bank, while the bitch is actually going in to rob a specific deposit box for the higher ups in London. The contents are questionable materials that can be used in some horrible black mailing and shit. You know, the typical shit you'd find in a safe deposit box.

The robbery was cool because I was legitimately into them pulling it off, and fell for a lot of the near catches. I liked it because it starts off as a harmless heist for all involved, getting their villainous gang of good guys up to the next level of badguy-ship, and it turns into a complete shit show by movies end. I was unsure what to expect going into the movie, but wound up being pleasantly surprised and thoroughly entertained.

If you like movies with tits, pussy, bank robberies, shootings, violent crimes, crooked cops, and of course the Transporter, I'd recommend watching. It isn't life changing by any means, but knowing it is based on a true bank robbery, it is a nice entertaining hour and a half or so.

Eye For an Eye

this has Sally Fields and Keifer Sutherland as the good guy bad guy duo. Ed Harris has an unbelievable cheeseburger shaped bald spot that also stars in the movie.

Basically this is Death Wish and any other vigilante movie in that Sally Fields daughter is raped and killed then on a technicality the murderer is let off, leaving Sally Fields depressed, angry, obsessed and seeking revenge on Jack Bauer before he was an ultra cool hero.

She stalks Sutherland throughout who has quite possibly one of the most unintimidating last names in movie bad guy history as his name is Robert Doob. Lame. They go in depth showing how hardcore bad he is by having him kick a dumpster, toss his cigarette to the ground when someone else wanted one, and dump a cup of coffee onto a poor ratty looking German Shepard. To cap it all, he stands outside of this spicy Latinas house he is watching and whips it out and pees in her bushes. He's got a sick mullet in the movie, greasy and gross, not like the well kept bleached blonde number from the Lost Boys. While on the topic, Keifer didn't get much respect from the average Joes until Jack Bauer. He was great in Lost Boys, this, Stand By Me and that porno with Donal Sutherland when he shot his load all over that girls back.

It's got some disturbing content with the forced entry and Doob saying some nasty shot. Over all it's a good watch though. It's a little slow and could be cut by twenty minutes. They show the top of Mrs. Doubtfires wifes tits in the shower, wondering what Mrs. Doubtfure thinks of that?! So he was cheated on for Pierce Brosnan and Ed Harris' bald spot.

When seeing her transform into a violence obsessed vigilante it's exciting watching a housewife go nuts. I'd recommend it, but it's your standard fare for a vigilante flick. In due time we will see how the Jodie Foster one fares in comparison. It's not everyday we see some solid lesbian justice handed out by Clarice and her farva bean eating self. Whoahohoho!!!

The Foot Fist Way

This is the movie Will Ferrell and his buddy fell in love with, and made sure to get it distributed in theatres, on DVD, and get its "Star" Danny McBride some notoriety.

I'd give a story synopsis, but quite frankly there isn't much of a friggen story to begin with. Theres a lard ass, obviously not good at it Tae Kwon Do teacher who berates his students and is "offensive" in doing so.

Literally the first 50 minutes of the movie was spent showing him do shitty demonstrations, berating students, and finding out his horrendously acted wife character gave her boss a handjob.

Not until over halfway through the movie to we get any type or actual push towards a legitimate storyline, when he goes and asks his idol to come to his tae kwon do studio to help with the testing for new belts. Didn't even know a test was coming up until the question was proposed.

What happens afterwards is beyond predictable. Actually, the majority of the movie is predictable and actually not very offensive at all. It is obvious what they are going for, with an outrageous character who is rude and vulgar, the problem is, it's not funny at all and could be far more offensive.

The entire look of the movie is shitty too. There is barely any music (although in the credits I swear they list 500 songs), and if you watch the even worse deleted scenes the picture quality actually looks better before they did whatever it was to make it look so shitty.

I found out that the budget for this movie was about 80,000 bucks. Hearing a movie that looks like this, has such shitty actors, and has caught a minute fan base because Will Ferrell told them it's funny is mind boggling. Don't even get me started on what the fuck I could do with 80 grand and my group of friends.

Now this guy has moved on to be the new flavor of the month in the Judd Apatow crew which is great for him. More power to him to be honest. I just don't get how this is actually a movie as mush as a bunch of little ideas put together. Nothing at all drives the story, and there is no actual goal to be accomplished. When all is said and done, it sucks.

The Foot Fist Way belongs in the clearance rack, ASAP

Bigger Stronger Faster*

If you are a sports fan or a wrestling fan, I HIGHLY recommend checking this out. This is a documentary about steroids and steroid use in not only athletes, but average joes. The man behind the documentary actually follows his two brothers around, who are both active steroid users.

This isn't a PBS style documentary with a boring narrator watching a flower bloom, and it's not a bunch of propaganda like a Michael Moore documentary. I honestly feel that this a straight down the middle look at steroids. While obviously it may seem as though the whole thing is to rationalize steroid use, it honestly is more to give people awareness about it, and give legitimate statistics and information about it.

One of the best parts of the whole documentary to me was when they were comparing steroids as a performance enhancer and how athletes are "cheating" because of using it. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods had laser corrective eye surgery and can now be considered a cheater because of his above average eye sight. Musicians and their anti anxiety pills to enhance their performances etc. etc.

One of the other very good segments, which really sheds light on how blind people can be when something happens to a person close to them, is when a father is confronted with hard questions regarding steroids, and is factually proven to be wrong, but won't budge on his stance that steroids killed his son.

Check it out, it is very informative, very interesting, and very entertaining. I give this the highest of recommendations.

100% clean, eatable asshole1

HEAT

This is a nice cops and robbers cat and mouse movie with an all star cast including Al Pacino, Robert Deniro, Val Kilmer with a terrible ponytail, Tom Sizemore before he was in trouble with the law, the bank clerk from the Dark Knight and some fine ass courtesy of Ashley Judd.

This has been out for over ten years or so, and I remember when it first came out and my dad was watching it. All I ever knew about the movie to be completely honest was that there was a huge gun fight in broad day light in the middle of a busy street.

Said gun fight took place and it was definately cool. Another thing I thought was kind of cool about it was the lack of music during it. A lot of movies will cover up scenes and make them more exciting than they are. (I know this because the movie I am working on is going to be a thousand times more exciting with music over the gun fights to spice up the action)

Anyhow, the acting was very good on behalf of all. Even Val Kilmers ponytail was pretty good in it. Loser.

My only complaint is the movie slows down a lot when they get away from the heists, cops and robbers realizing how similar they are, to go into the lovey dovey relationship stuff. I get it. The good guy and bad guy are both so into their jobs that women come second and look at the trouble it causes and yadda yadda. The best thing to come out of the whole scenario is when Al Pacino catches his bitch with a dude in the house. He says to him no its fine if you wanna plow my woman, sit on my couch in my house, but what you can't do.... IS WATCH MY FUCKING TELEVISION SET! Then he tears his 19 inch Sanyo out of the wall. It was great.

I'd definately recommend checking it out as it has a bunch of good actors, good violence, and a good ponytail. And by good ponytail I mean not good at all

Prom Night

This remake of a movie from 900 years ago claims to be a blood filled splatter house. I think there was more blood in my toilet from the ass splitting shit I dumped last night than in this whole movie. What a rip.

This is absolutely the perfect exampled of why slasher movies shouldn't be rated PG-13

You have annoying actors who are obviously all "hotties"

The soundtrack if full of bad pop rock and other shit you'd hear on top 40 radio.

There is a complete lack of tits, blood, and swearing.

I am not saying they need to show a knife penetrating a tittie with a solid splash of blood all in one, but a helping of each would be great.

In these toned down flicks, it is obviously geared at scaring 16 year old girls with all the horrible jump scares and wretched relationship issues the characters go through.

The positive about the movie is that it really wastes no time jumping into things. Shows what leads up to the chick having a muderous stalker, flash forward and it is in fact Prom Night. It moved at a quick pace until the halfway point when the movie slowed down incredibly.

Whatever, just like real life version, Prom Night sucks.

midnight meat train

this movie is exactly what you'd expect it to be.

From start to finish there's a soul train of black guys fucking each other in the ass. Hence the title. Whoahohoho!

Seriously though. This is a horror/slashed/gorefest based on a Clive Barker story. Connie Jones is a typical bad guy but this time he's armed with a fifty four pound solid steel hammer that he uses to literally pulverize peoples heads with. The ultra gory scenes are really good. It is obviously digitally done for the blood effects but it looks cool as hell when you see an eyeball pop out of a head or a bullet explode a cranium.

The story is simple enough. Aspiring photographer possibly catches a butcher in a picture the night a model he saved from a mugging disappears. Typical fare afterwards with him stalking the butcher taking pictures, doing hours of research on the butcher and missing people all while letting his relationship with his small breasted bitch fall apart.

Decent enough fare. Some parts with some solid suspense and a what exactly is going on with his stockpile of bodies on the meat train. Personally for my horror tastes I prefer realistic stuff going on that can legitimately be taking place like the entire movie up till that point. Once it goes into other territory it loses it's punch for me but it works for the movie. Either way it's worth checking out definately. It's a shame of wasn't released in theatres like it was supposed to be, but that's what happens when you don't have quality characters like "Paris Hilton look alike" in a movie like Meet the Spartans.

Quick review of THAT movie that I was unfortunate enough to sit through. It's worse than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I despise that movie

Meat Train check out

Meet The Spartans creators can fuck themselves