The Professional

I had this saved in my drafts since May. I thought I wrote it and posted it, but there was nothing in this one.

So in brief, here is my take on the movie:

Natalie Portman is a horny pervert who likes old guys that like to drink lots of milk. (Maybe she should call me)

Said old guy who likes to drink milk, also likes to kill people for money.

Tons of action ensues, a romantic sub story that isn't fully developed because it would be so creepy in America (but it turns out in the other versions, they're an item). Fun movie, and was a good watch.

4 buttholios

Identity

This is about a group of strangers who all wind up at a hotel, and are picked off 1 by 1 by a killer. All the while, there is some maniac up for the death sentence and is 24 hours away from being offed, before they find a way to possibly get him off.

I liked this. I can't really say too much about the two stories connecting or anything, but lets just say all the shit happening in the hotel is much better off on its own, and thats the stuff that I was really digging. The other stuff got in the way and kinda ruined some of the movie for me.

Either way, theres some good who dunnit mystery going on and a what the hell is happening type action. Pretty cool stuff up until the movie is coming to its climax. At that point something took me out of the who dunnit mystery and it kind of lost its effect for me. I get it, and why its like that, but eh. Tired of that crap already.

I cant get into much without spoiling anything, but I would recommend this and say its worth a look.

3 and a half buttholes.

Shrek 3

Continuation of that fat ass Ogre and his zany adventures throughout the world of make believe. I have never seen the others, and didn't really want to see this one. I went in with an open mind however, so as to give it a fair chance.

Lame. The animation is very impressive in it and I thought it looked really nice, but that was about it. I had nothing else going on during a rainy night and the people I went with were looking forward to it. Hearing their opinions at the end made me know I wasn't just a negative jerk as they also weren't very impressed.

A lot of the stuff I've seen in other movies before. I don't know how many more movies are going to have the makeover scene for an ugly monster type and they wind up needed a sander or chizzle to cut their disgusting toenails. I liked it in Dumb and Dumber, haven't liked it since.

Most of the jokes and generic romantic elements were pretty lackluster and run of the mill. Even for kids, I can't imagine them being too hot on the movie. There were comments after the movie that it seemed like as opposed to one writer, there was a committee or something like that, as maybe there were too many chefs stirring the pot on this one. The story was very weak, very basic, and nothing too exciting at all.

Cameron Diaz annoys me regardless of what shes in. Mike Myers doing the Scottish voice has earned him tons of money, but thats three movies that I know of where that one voice plays a key element. Hes going to be Robin Williams someday and do the same 2 bits over and over. Hopefully he comes back with a nice, new, refreshing live action comedy without recycling a ton of shit again, because I think he's cool.

Justin Timberlakes an annoying weenie. Eddie Murphys lines all seemed so forced, contrived, and unfunny, but he was trying. Whatever, enough trash talk I suppose.

Lets just say it looks very pretty, but as far as animated fare goes in recent times, I stick with my opinion that the Incredibles is one of the best of the past 10 years.

This gets a 2 on the butthole-o-meter from me. Not completely shitty, but also not squeaky clean.

28 Weeks Later

Follow up to the "rage" infected people (not zombies), running rampant through England. The virus has been contained, until some fucking dumb kids bring it back into the city and all hell breaks loose.

I wasn't a huge fan of the first movie, but still wanted to check out part 2. I was pleasantly surprised and thoroughly enjoyed this one. It starts off with a bang, and pretty much doesn't stop aside from a few different character parts in it. The action, suspense, and gore factor in this went through the roof.

Some of the stuff kept you literally on the edge of your seat, wondering what was going to happen. Very well done, and like the first one, I liked all of the shots of desolate London. Good shit in this one, and the helicopter scene (although as someone pointed out we just saw in Planet Terror) was definately one of the highlights, along with all the sweet sniper action.

Only complaint, why is it that every zombie movie needs to have a lead zombie? What makes one zombie more of a zombie than the other? I get that it was tying the story together to have this person be the leader, but it's retarded. He just happens to be everywhere the people are, at that same time. Suspension of disbelief is fine and good, but with thousands of people/rage victims getting sniped and blown away at an insane rate, what are the odds that the zombie boss gets away like that? Bogus.

Other than that, definately recommend and like Hot Fuzz, I'll make this a 5 butthole affair as well.

Hot Fuzz

The guys behind Shaun of the Dead put this action/cop comedy together. A big time cop gets sent to a small town, and is trying to find out why there is such a large accident rate, while no murders have been commited. All the accidents are questionable which leads him to believe a killer is on the loose.

I loved this. There was a nice balance of comedy, action, and just over all entertainment with a good whodunnit going on. Everything about it was pretty solid. I have no real complaints about anything at all.

This is a short one because it was all positive, and all awesome. Good gun fight at the end. Non stop action at that point, a decent enough climax to the story, and good acting/writing throughout.

This is a 5 butthole affair in my opinion.

Maniac Cop

Serial killer is on the loose, and word gets out that a cop is suspected of the dirty work. Zany antics happen as they try to find out the mystery of the Maniac Cop!

This was entertaining for what it was. There could've been better MANIAC scenes in it. Something better than chokeholds and not so gruesome stabbings. But you cant have it all.

The story was pretty cheesy, and the acting even cheesier. But I was still interested in seeing where things went. It was a half decent way to kill 80 minutes. Not the best bad action movie I've seen, and it certainly wasn't an edge of your seat thriller like it could have been. I sort of think they dropped the ball on the Maniac Cop, and think this movie would be good if it got the remake treatment today with better acting, better effects, and better story.

I'll give it a 2 and a half, so if you're bored and wanna check out a silly concept, check it out. Don't go out of your way or anything though.

Spiderman 3

Third in the trilogy, and still I think each has gotten better. I loved it. My only complaint really is Topher Grace when he is Venom. As Eddie Brock he was fine. He came off as a weasily dick, and it worked. As Venom however, I think it was stupid to not have his voice change or anything like that since Venom is huge, scary looking, and overall badass, and then you hear Topher Graces faggoty voice during intense fight scene. Bogus.

Other than that, I thought it was sweet all around. Mary Jane is a stupid bitch though. SHE is the selfish one, not my main man Peter Parker. It was great though when she told him to screw off and he became ultra confident. Parker strutting his stuff was hilarious, and it was an enjoyable sequence in the movie.

The action was really good, and the fights were pretty wild. The effects for the Sandman were really cool too. Only a few times did he look kinda shitty, but overall I thought they did a really good job with him.

Best in the movie though for me was James Franco. I didn't give two shits about him in 1 or 2, but in this one after he gets amnesia, he's classic. Every scene he's in he cracked me up and was stealing them. He's so cheesy. Plus, Willem Dafoe is in his scenes too, and the painting of him is superb.

For all the crap I'd heard about how it wasn't that good, and the others were better, I was expecting a real stinker. Not the case. I was glued to the screen the entire time and couldn't wait to see where things were going.

5 wide open assholes for this one. Awesome.

p.s. Bryce Dallas Howard was actually pretty good to look at for once. Everything else she's been in she's looked aweful. Not bad.

The Condemned

This was WWFs third feature put out, and this one starred Steve Austin. Basically, its the Running Man, updated with some changes. 10 death row inmates from around the world are bought by a sleezy television producer, and they have 30 hours to fight to the death on an island, and the last man/woman standing goes free. They all have ankle bombs attached to them so if they try to pull em off, they explode, and if all aren't killed by the end of the alloted time, they explode.

On to the movie. Personally, I thought it was pretty entertaining throughout. Austin, in his first featured roll, came off pretty good for what he was, and that was the bad ass, no bullshit good guy. The action starts pretty much right away, and surprisingly, they didn't hold much back in this.

Decent enough action sequences, although this movie is a victim of the absolutely horrible frantic camera work/quick edits during fight scenes to make things seem crazier than they are. So some of the fights were hard to follow, but the action itself was pretty good.

The story itself was interesting enough too. The TV guy really came off like a douchebag, and you wanted something bad to happen to him. I was compelled throughout, to see where things were going, and the added factor of the FBI trying to find out where the online broadcast was coming from added another factor to it as well.

Maybe I am biased, but I was a fan of the story for other reasons as well, as I had come up with something similar a few years back that a couple of people got to read, and I saw this with Tommy, and afterwards he said it reminded him of the script I wrote. I agreed, so it was sorta cool seeing something similar done and getting to watch it, even though it wasn't mine and I didnt get paid for it.

Vinnie Jones was in it as the main villain, and he was cool enough. He comes off like a prick too, so when his showdown comes up at the end, I wanted to see him get his face kicked in.

WWF took a lot of slack and was pretty much ripped apart by critics from the get go, so I truly believe this movie didnt get a fair shake at all. Not only that, I also believe that if you werent a wrestling fan, you probably had no idea this movie was even out (which in a recent interview, Vince McMahon himself said he also believes that Lionsgate dropped the ball on promoting it as they only tried to get WWF fans). Oh well, what can you do?

Hopefully this doesnt set them back from doing more movies, as so far the 2 of 3 I've watched have been pretty fun, but obviously nothing thats going to win any awards.

I will give it 4 buttholes, cause I thought it was very entertaining. Cant wait to see Steve Austin in a comedy.

Lethal Weapon

This is one of those movies that is ruined for me because I know there are three sequals, all starring Handsome Gibson, and Danny Glover, so any suspense about them getting offed is gone for me.

For me, I mostly wanted to check it out because the writer, Shane Black, was largely considered the top hot writer in the mid/late 80's and got huge amounts of cash for some of his scripts.

The movie itself was entertaining, nothing blow away for me, although it is 20 years old. Gibson was decent in it, although I totally didn't buy him as an on the edge, suicidal cop at all. I was actually laughing at that shit. I'm sure the ladies went crazy back in the day for him especially when he walks around bare assed in his beach house. Danny Glover was alright. The straight man to the psycho. Busey was in it, and was pretty weak.

The entire cast of bad guys and cronies was pretty weak for me. There was nobody that came off as a legitimate bad mother fucker, as you'd expect in a movie like this. Personally, I think Nathan White from Death Wish 4, as silly as he is, was way better. Not only that, the climax was better in the Bronson "classic".

Not to say these two movies can be compared, but it is definately funny to me that Lethal Weapon is largely considered a classic, where as the Death Wish movies can be found for $3.99 everywhere.

Overall, I think it was decent at best. I am sure at the time it was hip, cutting edge, and top tier action, but nowadays, its a weak 80's action movie. There are plenty better.

Not only that, the music SUCKS. This movie over did it with the saxaphone. Way over did it.

Richard Donner directed this, and one thing I thought was pretty cool was his advertising in the background for another movie he had a hand in making when on the marquee in the background, The Lost Boys was playing. That's so long ago.

Bottom line, I should've done the Mission Impossible idea and start with part 4 and go backwards to see how the originals compared to the sequels. Ah well.

2.5 buttholes. It was alright, not blow away.

One other thing, most of the helicopter and city shots from the air are so shitty. They are so shaky. Could've done better on those. Jerks.