Finally got around to watching this. Statham is in it, oooooh! Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (or Millas fuck buddy/Resident Evil director). This was a lot of fun.
Jason Statham is framed for the murder of his wife, for the sole purpose of being brought into prison to take part in the Death Race, which is exactly what it sounds like. Lots of crazy shit happens. There are awesome car chases and races, good fist fights, lots of gunfire, lots of bad language etc.
I don't really need to get into specifics of why it was fun, but if you like movies with bodies and cars exploding, blood, guts, fighting etc, you will have a great time with this. So many car flips while on fire too.
Wish I saw it in the theater for the full atmospheric excperience, but it was still pretty damn fun.
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Haunting in Connecticut
Kid has cancer. His family decides to get another place near the hospital in CT to avoid the huge commute back and forth as he is going through chemo. Of course the fucking mother has to pick the creepiest house that used to be an old funeral home right? What caring parent wouldn't freak the shit out of her kids by telling them dead people used to be chopped up in the basement.
Lots of creepy shit happens in the house. Some of it was genuinely creepy. Especially the eyelid shit. My issue with this, and the last haunted house/room movie I saw, is they drag it out for so god damn long. The movie (which I just looked up) is 92 minutes long.... It was a LOOOOONG 92 minutes. I thought it was at least two hours. Like 1408 from a couple summers ago, its just drags and drags. We get it, the fucking house is haunted. Explain why already and progress the story. This could have been a nice made for TV horror on demand that is a 60 minute creepy show to watch.
There were some out of nowhere plot twists too, as in the middle of the movie, all of a sudden it comes back to the forefront that the dad used to be a raging alcoholic. Okay. Great. Just so they could have a scene of him freaking out and scaring the family I guess.
There were definately some creepy things in it. All the dead bodies that turn up wound up being cool. The religious undertones though were like WTF? Is this the Happening only regarding ghosts?
Wait for the DVD, or even better, cable.
Lots of creepy shit happens in the house. Some of it was genuinely creepy. Especially the eyelid shit. My issue with this, and the last haunted house/room movie I saw, is they drag it out for so god damn long. The movie (which I just looked up) is 92 minutes long.... It was a LOOOOONG 92 minutes. I thought it was at least two hours. Like 1408 from a couple summers ago, its just drags and drags. We get it, the fucking house is haunted. Explain why already and progress the story. This could have been a nice made for TV horror on demand that is a 60 minute creepy show to watch.
There were some out of nowhere plot twists too, as in the middle of the movie, all of a sudden it comes back to the forefront that the dad used to be a raging alcoholic. Okay. Great. Just so they could have a scene of him freaking out and scaring the family I guess.
There were definately some creepy things in it. All the dead bodies that turn up wound up being cool. The religious undertones though were like WTF? Is this the Happening only regarding ghosts?
Wait for the DVD, or even better, cable.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Friday the 13th
Let me say that any and all emotions and sympathy I will ever have to characters in movies is thrown out the window based on the people cast in the roles. In this movie, there are 8 that I felt sympathy for or cared about and four of them were individual tits.
Put it this way, anybody in the movie with shaggy looking curly hair, like a heart throb from abercrombie (EVERY fucking dude in the movie), I hope gets killed in a brutal way as soon as I see them. That left two dudes to not mind, and they were an Asian and a black dude who wound up fitting every cliché imaginable anyways.
So all you characters that look like you belong in the partridge family, a hip and cool rock band, or next to Seth Rogen and his "awesome" Jew fro, I enjoyed watching you die.
The movie itself had some fat fake tits flopping around. Generic characters that have to fill the same roles that every modern horror or comedy has like why is it everyone is a pothead? Whatever. I will stop ranting about how I hated everybody in the movie.
Jason himself was pretty good. I'm not a diehard by any means so it doesn't upset me that whoever plays Jason is an anonymous person behind a mask each time. So Kane Hodder and all your fans can keep whining, cause if your a big guy you too can be a masked murderer in the next Friday the 13th. Seriously you can't tell the difference anyways. Jason was as badass as ever. He was brutal and honestly I loved the fact that he was more intense and runnin around.
The story is pretty non existent. Teenagers go camping. A girl goes missing. More teenagers go camping and one looks for his sister. Jason watches tits bounce around and practices his archery. That's that. But who watches slashers for the story anyway?
As for the whole remake and reimagining obsession for movies, I don't have a problem with it like some people. It doesn't ruin the original movie younalready know. Sometimes a movie could use an update for a new generation as the classics have pretty low production value, horrible music and effects and so forth so why not do it again. Sometimes it works like the new Texas Chainsaw. I loved that and hatednthe original. Sometimes it's entertaining but the original wins out like Halloween (really Rob Zombie, does every character in your movies need to be disgusting white trash whores?) but overall they are there for a newer crowd who may not be as frightened by the originals ecause by this point in time we've seen a lot crazier stuff in our movies.
So if you like these movies you'll like this as it is what it is.
Put it this way, anybody in the movie with shaggy looking curly hair, like a heart throb from abercrombie (EVERY fucking dude in the movie), I hope gets killed in a brutal way as soon as I see them. That left two dudes to not mind, and they were an Asian and a black dude who wound up fitting every cliché imaginable anyways.
So all you characters that look like you belong in the partridge family, a hip and cool rock band, or next to Seth Rogen and his "awesome" Jew fro, I enjoyed watching you die.
The movie itself had some fat fake tits flopping around. Generic characters that have to fill the same roles that every modern horror or comedy has like why is it everyone is a pothead? Whatever. I will stop ranting about how I hated everybody in the movie.
Jason himself was pretty good. I'm not a diehard by any means so it doesn't upset me that whoever plays Jason is an anonymous person behind a mask each time. So Kane Hodder and all your fans can keep whining, cause if your a big guy you too can be a masked murderer in the next Friday the 13th. Seriously you can't tell the difference anyways. Jason was as badass as ever. He was brutal and honestly I loved the fact that he was more intense and runnin around.
The story is pretty non existent. Teenagers go camping. A girl goes missing. More teenagers go camping and one looks for his sister. Jason watches tits bounce around and practices his archery. That's that. But who watches slashers for the story anyway?
As for the whole remake and reimagining obsession for movies, I don't have a problem with it like some people. It doesn't ruin the original movie younalready know. Sometimes a movie could use an update for a new generation as the classics have pretty low production value, horrible music and effects and so forth so why not do it again. Sometimes it works like the new Texas Chainsaw. I loved that and hatednthe original. Sometimes it's entertaining but the original wins out like Halloween (really Rob Zombie, does every character in your movies need to be disgusting white trash whores?) but overall they are there for a newer crowd who may not be as frightened by the originals ecause by this point in time we've seen a lot crazier stuff in our movies.
So if you like these movies you'll like this as it is what it is.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Coraline
3D stop motion animation brought back to the big screen by the guy who made it famous. No, not you Tim Burton, but the actual director Henry Selick who was given the Nightmare Before Christmas to direct and actually did all the hard work on it yet gets no recognition for it. Reminds meof how we could see Quentin Tarantino presents: Weekend at Bernies and he'd get all the notoriety for the movie by doing very little on the movie.
Whatever.
This was slickly animated and visually stunning. Seriously. The characters are all creepy little shits as the story is about a family moving into an old creepy house and the weird happenings taking place behind a secret door in the wall.
If I was a young kid watching this, I'd have probably fudged my undies as it is a pretty creepy story and there are creepy characters with buttons sewn on as eyes and stuff like that. I'm not though but was still genuinely creeped out about some of that crap. The villain is a nasty bitch, but man was she good.
The movie kind of moves slowly at points so of seemed to drag which usually isn't good, but maybe it fit with the slow moving, loner situation Coraline is in. Not sure. If they trimmed ten minutes or so somewhere in the middle it'd be a welcome cut, but overall I can't complain. The animation is slick and interesting and the story is creepy and original. I recommend it if you like cartoons, especially ones that aren't solely for little kids.
Whatever.
This was slickly animated and visually stunning. Seriously. The characters are all creepy little shits as the story is about a family moving into an old creepy house and the weird happenings taking place behind a secret door in the wall.
If I was a young kid watching this, I'd have probably fudged my undies as it is a pretty creepy story and there are creepy characters with buttons sewn on as eyes and stuff like that. I'm not though but was still genuinely creeped out about some of that crap. The villain is a nasty bitch, but man was she good.
The movie kind of moves slowly at points so of seemed to drag which usually isn't good, but maybe it fit with the slow moving, loner situation Coraline is in. Not sure. If they trimmed ten minutes or so somewhere in the middle it'd be a welcome cut, but overall I can't complain. The animation is slick and interesting and the story is creepy and original. I recommend it if you like cartoons, especially ones that aren't solely for little kids.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Eagle Eye
I had a nice long review of this but it got erased. So short and sweet, Even Stevens is set up for being a terrorist so the FBI is hot on his tail. Another person is in the same boat, Michelle Moynahan and her sweet ass. As the story progresses and we see more of the surveillance and government secrets it became obvious what was going on. Did it ruin it for me? Not at all as there were still plenty of cool action scenes and Billy Bob Thornton being an FBI agent which is entertaining on it's own. I'd say check it out if you're into government conspiracies and the fear that humans are in trouble. If you like I Robot you'll probably like this
Monday, February 2, 2009
Taken
Liam Neeson stars as an ex "preventer" who's daughter heads to Paris and is kidnapped with her friend by some dirty Albanian scumbags. He heads out of retirement and puts a serious hurt on anyone standing in his way. I do mean anyone. I'm talking about you innocent housewife!!
Luc Besson who wrote The Professional and two of the Transporters and a bunch of other shit wrote this. The more I see of stuff he came up with the more I'm inclined to say oh he wrote this so I'm sure it'll be full of highly entertaining, over the top, balls out action and a story about hookers or human trafficking. Sold.
This starts out letting us know who the characters are. As soon as the movie heads to Paris, all bets are off. He shows up and pretty much turns into Jason Statham in the Transporter. Only thing is he's like thirty years older and the only thing being transported by him are fucking beatings for all these foreign ass perverts. He lays the beat downs like a hard ass and it was thoroughly enjoyable to watch. For a PG-13 rating, I'm surprised at how much gun play, killings an half naked bitches were in here. Really if there were a couple of accented fucks in there and a few titties, this would be one of the best brainless actioners I've seen in a bit.
Everyone behind this knew how to start the engine and keep things going at break neck speeds. There's no dumb shit to this movie as any fat has been trimmed and we are served up to a big plate of awesome.
Luc Besson who wrote The Professional and two of the Transporters and a bunch of other shit wrote this. The more I see of stuff he came up with the more I'm inclined to say oh he wrote this so I'm sure it'll be full of highly entertaining, over the top, balls out action and a story about hookers or human trafficking. Sold.
This starts out letting us know who the characters are. As soon as the movie heads to Paris, all bets are off. He shows up and pretty much turns into Jason Statham in the Transporter. Only thing is he's like thirty years older and the only thing being transported by him are fucking beatings for all these foreign ass perverts. He lays the beat downs like a hard ass and it was thoroughly enjoyable to watch. For a PG-13 rating, I'm surprised at how much gun play, killings an half naked bitches were in here. Really if there were a couple of accented fucks in there and a few titties, this would be one of the best brainless actioners I've seen in a bit.
Everyone behind this knew how to start the engine and keep things going at break neck speeds. There's no dumb shit to this movie as any fat has been trimmed and we are served up to a big plate of awesome.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Only movie I've ever wanted to leave during. I like the guy that wrote it, but this was complete horse shit. Johnny Depp, great job as Dr. Evil Wonka.
Worst movie ever
Worst movie ever
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